Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

When you pray, move your feet.

I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan 'cause I want to hear both sides
Does that make me cynical?
There are no miracles
And this is no miraculous life

We walk into the tide

I am a religous person, well I am in so much that I believe in God (I think the bible is a load of old tosh but that is a discussion for another day). What I don't believe though is that God is the answer to all our prayers, or the source of all our problems.

I have had many events in my life that would have me questioning whether God exists. I suffered several miscarriages and many years of childlessness before being blessed with my son. I have watched people I love suffer with cancer, I've also lost people I love to it. I live in a world where children are hurt, natural disasters claim the lives of thousands, millions and at times like these it is easy to ask - "If there is a God why would he let this happen"

But by the turn of the other hand I have also bore witness to miracles. I watched my mother recover from cancer when we were told to expect the worst. I watched my son survive being born at 24 weeks with less than a 5% chance of survival and seen him defy every prediction to become the bright bubbly boy I love. I have seen the kindness of strangers in times of need - when you open a christmas gift box lovingly prepared and gift wrapped by the local church in a sterile hospital for a child you are told would never see that day it is easy to believe in miracles and the presence of a divine power.

But as comforting as it is to blame or thank a divine power for these things, the hard truth is human beings are at the heart of everything. People who do evil deeds, do so of their own violition and their own free choice. We pollute our planet on a daily basis and then we wonder why it roars back. My miracle son is as much a miracle of modern science and brilliant doctors than an unseen deity. It was a flesh and blood person who handwrapped that Christmas gift for my baby all those years ago, someone with a good heart and a kind soul giving up his or her time to put a smile on someone elses face and allowing them to believe in miracles and although there were times I may have prayed for a miracle when my son was in hospital, it was the love and support of my friends and family that got me through each day with my heart unbroken and sanity intact.

It took me a long time to learn that although God and faith can be strong companions, it is my own drive, my will, my strength, my love for my family and friends and their love for me that drives me forward.

To me religon is no longer about sermons, and brick walls or about good and evil, heaven and hell. I believe in God when I see the sun breaking through a cloud on a bright day, when I feel the crisp crunch of autumn leaves underneath my feet, when I see my child smile a smile full of mischief and enjoyment, full of a joy of life that only children truly appreciate.

But although all of these things help me believe in him, I no longer put my faith solely in him, I trust my own heart, rely on my family and depend on my friends. It is me that keeps my world turning day by day

My faith may keep me going, but it is my own two feet, moving one step after the other that pushes me forward.

This has been my entry for week one of therealljidol

1. Do not look at the comments.
2. Take a look at my userpics.
3. Post a comment with the icon of mine you associate with me. Leave commentary if desired.
4. Repost with your default icon and profit.

Also I have been working on my resolutions and reading list, think I may take a tip from maharet83 and make a sticky post

How is 2011 treating everyone?

ala maharet83

JGL covering the supremes song "You can't hurry love"

This is how every morning should start, seriously why did it take me so long to realise how awesome this man is??

Also as maharet83 was kind enough to supply this link, I have been threatening to do a recs post for her, but am wondering what to focus on, so here is a click post for you guys to decide for me.

I have about a gazillion recs on delicous for the following fandoms so these are the most likely suspects

[Poll #1605635]

Back from camping!!!! and yes the first thing I did WAS to straighten my hair and no I do not think this means I have issues (although my husband insists it does) :P

I missed lj, yes that is sad isn't it :D but on the bright side I have new Sherlock to look forward too yayayayayaya (I will have the download link up soon for anyone who wants it) and new leverage tomorrow morning yay!!!!

Got some story notes for my prompts worked on, although the most work was done on the McShep one for the ever lovely veritas_st and the TSCC/Inception crossover for the lovely maharet83, speaking of which, she talked me into signing up for this

Do You Like To Write? Like to write? Love TSCC? Great! There is a new challenge, called tscc_las, where you write a fanfic of at least 100 words every two weeks based on a different prompt. Then they get voted on and the person with the least votes is out that week and the person with the most is safe next week. Till you have one author standing who wins! What do you win? A snazzy graphic and a $10 GC to Amazon or Barnes & Noble. You don't even need to be a GREAT writer! ... who will come out on top?

Which looks like a whole lot of fun :D

second piece of news is that my (hopefully FINAL FINAL) operation is set for the 30th September and my consultant has advised that if I lose another stone (I'm 12lb down since my previous op yay) then they will try as long as my blood disorder permits it to do the surgery through keyhole which means less scarring and fewer complications so this is what I am aiming for. With that in mind I am starting a strict diet and gentle exercise plan to get me to target or above in the next seven weeks and I plan on talking about it asking for advice etc. I am going to filter it because I realise many people do not want to hear me ramble about such nonsense so if you want to be included on the filter, please let me know in the comments. I am going to be using my flist for advice, recipes and lots of motivation, but don't want to bore anyone :)y

Pinched from poisontaster and adapted slightly cos I don't give nearly enough feedback anymore.

Top Fives

Top Five Fanfic Writers

1. autumn_lilacs

Ames was my first friend on lj and we met through a fic on spn betas. I betad a few stories for her, and with her encouragement started writing some of my own, which she in turn beta'd. The best thing about this arrangement was that I got to see her fics first and they never cease to amaze me. She is the proof that OFC does not a Mary Sue make. She has a talent for creating real, warm, flawed women (and men) that you come to love as much (in some cases more *hugs Becca*) than the characters you know. Whether it is dealing with ancient sometimes insane vampires, helping King Misha in his crusades, rediscovering the supernatural world in a post apocolyptic world where everything and anyone are not what they seem, watching Dean play doctor or seeing how Daddy Sam copes in a world where everyone and anyone wants to kill him and his baby girl. She never fails to make me laugh, cry, squee snort and fall in love again and again and again. Seriously if you have not read this girl, go NOW!!!!  She has a massive collection of stories, totally diverse ranging from het, slash, gen, romance, action, adventure or just plain crack and she is awesome.

2. faithbeckett

Becks was the girl who took my love for Dean/Cas and turned it into a full blown obsession, she also introduced me to the wonder of the OTP of McShep (something I think she regrets each and every time I kick Cam) and her stories always manage to just hit my buttons, always!!!!!  unfortunately I have no links as she has taken her fic down as she works towards becoming a kick ass full time writer HUGS but a list of my favourite authors just isn't complete without her in it.

3. fleshflutter 

I was first recced to this author by maharet83 when she pointed me in the direction of this beautiful Dean/Castiel piece.  At the time I was not a wincest reader or a J2 fan, but this story blew me away and it's shades of Sam/Dean made me want to explore Wincest further (which i then did and fell in love with) I then decided to jump in with both feet and started reading her J2 Big Bangs and the obsession began.  I think I have read every single piece that this girl has written and there is not one that I don't love.  the imagery is always beautiful, her stories flow and she creates magic with words, her characters are real and wonderfully interactive and her AU's literally take me to another places where it is possible for Jared and Jensen to be super spies.  :) the only piece I haven't read actually is her current J2 wip mainly because I am saving it up to read altogether otherwise I think waiting for chapters will make me cry :D

4. dreamersdare

After discovering and falling in love with Big Bang last year I went on the lookout for old Big Bangs and came across this beautifully dark J2 piece.  After becoming a rabid fangirl I struck up a friendship with the writer and started reading more of her work and even when I don't even know the pairing her skill and talent still; draw me in.  

5. moonlettuce

I found this writer through Dean/Castiel but when I found out she also wrote my otp Mcshep I was over the moon.  Her stories are varied and immense and if they have any faults it is that they are too short and don't go on forever.  Seriously when I got this girl in the secret angels exchange I almost cried because I was terrified of writing a Dean/Cas after reading hers!!!  There are way too many to list all of her fics, but some of my favourites are  the right way to write alien sex pollen fic, an AU with john as a runner, The sweetest McShep first kiss,  EVER and lets not forget some yummily awesome Dean/Castie



Top Five Fanfictions

Ok there are some crossovers here with the above list dreamersdare's  Black Cartel Verse  for example, will always be one of my favourite fics EVER, but as I have linked it above, I will give another five here with the assumption that this is in here too :)

1. autumn_lilacs ;Our Father Verse ;This is a wonderful story of the Winchesters in the future.  Years after their final battle, the brothers are settled and happy, or as settled as they ever could be.  Dean is married with two kids he adores, Sam is moving on and trying to move on from his past and the family are finally moving onwards and upwards.  But life is never that easy with the Winchesters.  Featuring some kick ass females, special mention to Becca the epic OFC librarian that owns my heart.  It has twists, turns, dips and moments that will make you laugh, cry and want to gather the boys and their family up and give them a HUGE hug.  Ames had managed to make a believable future for the boys, without falling to the pitfalls of making anything schmoopy or their lives too perfect and retaining the edge of darkness that SPN has that makes it so addictive.  Yes I do ♥ this story rather a lot, can you tell.

2. A while back I fell in love with a show Terminator the Sarah Conner Chronicles, when it was cancelled just as it became more awesome than ever before, myself and maharet83 were very sad puppies :( then one day maharet83 told me about a fic by halcyon_shift that she had just found, with words something along the lines of You NEED to read this, it is Season 3 in fic form so of course I did, and of course it really is!!!! This is everything I wanted from Season 3, with spot on characterisations a grip on the Terminator canon like you would not believe, a totally believable plot and some of the kickest ass females that ever ficced. It has twists and turns and moments that will literally make you hold your breath. It really is one of those stories that if you are in the fandom, you MUST read.

3. A long long time ago I fell in love with fanfiction, and it was THIS FIC lanning 's Identical series, that made me do it. Smallville fic set around Season two I think. It had a Clark and Lex that I loved and adored. It was the first ever story that had me mixing up show canon with fic canon in my head, and it really was the begining of my love affair with fiction. It is Clark/Lex coming together through some major obstacles, but also introduces some strong secondary characters. The writer knows the canon and the characters (not just from the smallville verse) inside and out and it comes through in every word.

4. This story (britomart_is 's The Air Moves in to Fill the Spaces Where My Body's Been, made me believe in Wincest for the first time ever!!! Yes it is NC-17 and a lot of it is action of the sexually variety, but it is also beautifully written, and is just the right side of delicious fucked up ness that makes a relationship between Sam and Dean not only believable but inevitable. britomart_is has a way with words that make you fall into the story and leave you gasping for more. There is a sequel which is just as delicous and just as amazing.

5.  Days without feathers by pyrebi was recced to me by a friend and when I read it, it literally blew me away. It is totally different from my normal choice in fanfic, but it is so beautifully written and so heartbreakingly perfect I had to mention it here. It is a story of Jess's family coping in the aftermath of their daughters death and what they know, or think they know of the boy who had loved her. There are really no words for just how much this story moved me.

Ok, finally caved after several proddity pokes from maharet83 and watched Glee.


( I can't fight this feeling anymore )



and on a seperate topic, apocabigbang has started sign up's and maharet83 has made some amazing banners if you would like to pimp it out, and also if you want to sign up click the banner below.

This is all because maharet83 is an evil enabler, and apparantly I am unable to watch autumn_lilacs and veritas_st do anything without me :)

But the upshot is I signed up for spn_30snapshots

I picked the Lyrics prompt, and my Character is Sam.

01.	One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand	06.	You should have asked me for it I would have been brave You should have asked me for it How could I say no?	11.	I asked you if a man could be forgiven And though I failed at love, was this a crime? You said, Don't worry, don't worry, darling There are many ways a man can serve his time	16.	And I'm comin' home again It's been too long a time Gettin' back what's mine And I can't remember why I went away But it's lookin' now like maybe I can stay	21.	Please, remember me, My misery, And how it lost me all I wanted.	26.	Lean on me, when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on For it won't be long 'Til I'm gonna need Somebody to lean on
02.	If I could do it all again I'd make more mistakes Not be so scared of falling, If I could do it again, I would climb more trees I'd pick and I'd eat more wild blackberries	07.	I've been treated so wrong I've been treated so long As if I'm becoming untouchable I'm the slow dying flower In the frost killing hour Sweet turning sour and untouchable	12.	There's gotta be a record of you some place You gotta be on somebody's books ... Somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete And its your face Im looking for on every street	17.	He's made of sand Not flesh and not bone He's as good as the seeds he's sown But he loves you so Like no one else you know could do	22.	Turn the light out say goodnight No thinking for a little while Let's not try to figure out everything at once	27.	And honey I was never gonna change, And honey you are never gonna change, But don't you love it that way?
03.	A broom is drearily sweeping Up the broken pieces of yesterdays life Somewhere a queen is weeping Somewhere a king has no wife	08.	Everybody seems to wonder What it's like down here I gotta get away from this day-to-day running around, Everybody knows this is nowhere.	13.	Don't cry You can rely on me honey You can come by any time you want I'll be around You were right about the stars: Each one is a setting sun	18.	And I know that I'm damned if I never get out And maybe I'm damned if I do But with any other beat I got left in my heart You know I'd rather be damned with you	23.	And I could take another hit for you And I could take away your trips from you And I could take away the salt from your eyes And take away the spitting salt in you And I could give you my apologies	28.	The Mississippi Delta was shining Like a National guitar, I am following the river Down the highway Through the cradle of the civil war
04.	She's the one She's the only one Who makes me search myself Until I'm done	09.	And if the night runs over And if the day won't last And if your way should falter Along this stony pass It's just a moment This time will pass	14.	I better go it alone Down on the corner See me standin' On a makeshift road With the dust storm blowin' In a long black shadow ... Drivin' on the sidewalk Lookin' back and the sky is burning In my rearview mirror I better go it alone	19.	Have you run your fingers down the wall And have you felt your neck skin crawl When you're searching for the light? Sometimes when you're scared to take a look At the corner of the room You've sensed that something's watching you	24.	Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out I'm floating around in ecstasy So don't stop me now don't stop me 'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time	29.	I heard the news, lady All about your disease Yeah you may have all you want, baby But I got something you need Ain't talking bout love My love is rotten to the core Ain't talking bout love Just like I told you before
05.	But now and then I find myself Thinkin' of the days That (when) we were walking in The Alabama rain Drive-in movies, Friday nights Drinkin' beer and laughin' Somehow things were always right I just don't know what happened	10.	I kinda thought that I'd be better off by myself I've never been so wrong before ... I don't know what I've been trying to prove I don't know what I've been trying to prove	15.	Whoever is unjust, let him be unjust still. Whoever is righteous, let him be righteous still. Whoever is filthy, let him be filthy still. Listen to the words long written down, When the man comes around.	20.	This is the last time That I will say these words I remember the first time The first of many lies Sweep it into the corner Or hide it under the bed Say these things they go away But they never do	25.	Maybe you and I got a lot to learn Don't waist another day Maybe you got to lose it all Before you find your way	30.	When the kicks go that it brings you You will hanker for an anchor just to cling to When you've lived it up till it's got you down Look for me, I'll be around