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mrstottenTitle The Things That I Miss, I Remember Them Like This
Word Count 2,280
Rating Mild NC17
Summary He knew how much this was hurting Brian, how much Brian loved him, he loved him enough to let him go, he loved him enough to tell him to go. Set post 5.13 all of Justin's senses carry memories of Brian
Notes For the ever lovely![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
snapegirlusa for her constant encouragement and support, sorry it’s not Gale/Randy but that is coming promise. Beta by the always amazing veritas_st who makes this fandom so much fun, love you xxx. Lyrics from Last Kiss by Taylor Swift/Boyce Avenue
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
Smell
New York smelled different, I mean on the surface it shouldn’t be that different from Pittsburgh, they were both big cities, filled with smog and pollution and people and noise. The differences were there though, subtle, lying just under the surface but there none the less. Like today, the heat of a New York summer mixed with a sudden rain shower, made the air smell stale, the undercurrent of warmth giving some residing heat to the rain, leaving it warm and sticky on his skin. He packed up his materials quickly and headed towards the subway, sitting on the train he found himself ignoring the hustle and bustle of people around him, his mind drawn back to the last time he had felt cold rain on his skin.
He had come home for his first and only trip to Pittsburgh, the rain had been ferocious and as he made it through the airport launching himself into Brian’s waiting arms, he had smelt rain and sweat and the scent that was just so undeniably Brian. They had ran to the car and barely made it into the loft before ripping at each others clothes, five months of enforced separation leaving them desperate for the feel of skin on skin, the taste of each other, the feeling of completeness that only seemed to come to either of them when their bodies were joined together.
It was his one and only good memory of that visit, the hours and days afterwards filled with pain, awkwardness and the overwhelming knowledge that nothing was the same anymore. Bumping into a trick of Brian’s, one he had later found out was more than a one time deal had filled Justin with a jealous fury, caused a heated argument that had escalated from Brian telling him the guy meant nothing to the furious rebuttal that what Brian did was no longer any of his business because he had left, walked away. He had left shortly after, staying in Debbie’s for his last night, heading to the airport alone. They had made up over the phone, whispered apologies and unspoken fears clouding the conversation but Justin had never returned to Pittsburgh, the handful of times they had been together Brian had come to him. Walking into his apartment and shaking the rain from his hair Justin found himself desperate for the smell of cold rain, the smell of Brian, the smell of home.
~*~
I still remember the look on your face
Been through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
Sound
Justin knew he had to stop calling, knew in his bones that this holding on was doing neither of them any favours. Everytime he promised himself that this would be the last, then he would go a couple of days and his fingers would start to itch, he would feel desperate, dizzy disorientated and he would pick up the phone and call Brian and instantly the world would still, tilt and readjust on its axis making him feel ok again.
He sounded tired tonight, Justin could picture him, lying on the bed in the loft, phone stuck between his neck and ear, fighting to stay awake, hair slightly less perfect than it had probably been during the day. As if trying to prove him right Brian yawned.
“Sorry Sunshine, I need to go, big meeting tomorrow and it’s…..God damn it’s 2am, that’s a new record, two and a half hours on a phone, I’m sending my bill to you.”
“Ha you know you’d miss calling me,” Justin half joked, a part of him desperate for the confirmation, the reassurance. The silence stretched on for several moments, making Justin start to regret picking at the scab, causing them both more pain.
“Course I would,” Brian finally confirmed, his voice was rough, gravelly with tiredness and repressed emotions.
Deciding to just go for it, Justin let his barriers fall. “I miss you.”
“I know,” the words slipped out, almost unheeded and Justin was thrown back to their last night together, lying in each others arms, each putting of the inevitable.
”You need to think about getting going Sunshine,” Brian said as his hands traced lazy patterns over Justin’s skin.
“I know,” he answered. “It’s just…the thought of getting up makes it real.”
“It is real Sunshine,” Brian’s toned was forced casualness, trying to belie the tremors that had shook him, shook both of them earlier as they made love for what might for all intents and purposes be the last time.
“I know it’s just….God I’m going to miss you.”
“I know,” Brian replied his eyes dark, serious. Once upon a time Justin would have wanted a matching declaration but they were past that. He knew how much this was hurting Brian, how much Brian loved him, he loved him enough to let him go, he loved him enough to tell him to go.
“Brian,” Justin started but he was silenced with lips on his own, moving into the kiss, he forgot his words, forgot everything as they made love with a ferocity that spoke of last times and missed chances, whispered words of need, love, want and fear spoken against skin and lips wet with tears.
“Brian,” Justin words were stark in the silence, echoing that lost time.
“Not tonight Sunshine, just go to bed, we’ll talk soon.”
“I love you.” The words needed, demanded to be said, and Justin couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face at Brian’s softly whispered reply.
“I know.”
~*~
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips,
Taste
It amused Justin that he had turned into another Brian Kinney, every guy he picked up was a one time thing, no commitments, no promises, hell most of the time names weren’t even exchanged. Andrew had been the first exception to the rule. He was tall, dark brown hair that was slightly too long, tanned skin, hazel eyes and if you squinted just right…well that wasn’t important. But the best thing was the way he tasted. That mixture of smoke, whiskey and toothpaste that was so like Brian it had taken Justin’s breath away the first time they had kissed.
Andrew had been the first guy Justin saw more than once, the first person in New York he’d gone on an actual date with. For someone so much like Brian he was surprisingly uncomplicated. He had even pretended not to notice on the couple of occasions that the wrong name slipped from Justin's lips. Andrew’s taste and his lack of pushing made him almost a permanent fixture in Justin’s life, until the day Andrew had picked up the wrong call, handing the phone to Justin with a silent nod before settling on the couch.
“So Andrew, huh?” The note of pain in Brian’s voice made him sound completely different from Andrew. With that one sentence the veil of illusion was lifted allowing Justin to see clearly for the first time in weeks. To see that Andrew’s hair was far lighter, his build different, bulkier than Brian’s leanness, his smile less crooked, eyes more green than brown.
“He’s no one, Brian,” Justin watched as a spasm of pain crossed Andrew's face, and felt lost as he couldn’t even work up some level of guilt as Andrew stood up and left, all of his focus, everything he had, was on making the note of pain out in Brian’s voice go away.
“It’s ok Justin, you don’t owe me an explanation.”
“No, seriously listen to me, he is no-one, he means nothing.”
“The same no one you’ve been out with every night this week?”
Justin cursed both his roommate’s forgetfulness, and his complete lack of discretion. “You called?”
“A few times,” Brian’s tone had changed to a forced nonchalance and Justin knew honesty was his only option now.
“He tasted like...”
“Justin really, I don’t want to hear this,” Brian ground out, anger and jealousy replacing the pain.
“No, you have to, you have to understand. He looked like you, he smelled like you, hell he even tasted like you. This, this is hard and I missed you and I...”
“Sunshine,” The use of his nickname and softer tone in Brian’s voice stopped the flow of Justin’s words. “It’s ok, I get that, I…well I don’t like it but I understand.”
“You do?” Justin asked surprised.
“Well yeah, let’s just say you aren’t the only one who has been guilty of substitution.”
The fear in Justin turned quickly to jealousy at the thought of Brian, his Brian with someone else. “You mean you...”
“Never more than once, not since, well you know” Brian answered the tinge of anger back in his voice. “Look we knew this was going to be hard Sunshine and we have to accept that our lives have changed, that each are going to move on, we’re going to meet other people. Look now isn’t the time to get into this, I’ll call you tonight.”
Justin sat with the dialling tone ringing in his ear, trying to pretend his heart didn’t crack at the break in Brian’s voice when he said “other people”. Finally putting the phone down he went to paint, throwing himself into his work to try and blot out the pain.
He never called Andrew again.
~*~
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in
touch
Brian had never been one for handholding. Whenever he wanted to drag Justin off to a back room, wrap around him on a cold night in a warm bed, pull him close for a soft kiss, or even just on those times when he just wanted to reach out and touch, he would wrap his fingers around Justin's wrist. His touch warm and secure. Other times his hands would be wrapped around Justin's own hands as he held him down in bed, his grip hard, almost punishing as he stroked Justin's cock or slid into him, hard and fast. The memory of those fingers still remains; at times Justin will look down at his hands, wondering why his wrist looks so bare when he can clearly feel the imprint of strong warm hands. At times it’s distracting, but at other times, like tonight, as he lay in a cold bed, the sounds and smells of a strange city all around him, it was the only thing that made him feel alive
Wrapping his hand around his c**k, the memory of the last time he and Brian had made love, he could almost swear that Brian's hands were wrapped around his, guiding his movements, pushing at just the right time, slowing down, teasing at moments. When he came, it was Brian's name on his lips and he could almost imagine the taste of him still in his mouth, drifting off to sleep he absently rubbed at his wrists, wondering if the feeling would ever go away, or even if he really wanted it to.
~*~
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Sight
It took Justin a couple of minutes to realise what had drawn his attention at the trinket stall. Picking up the small shell bracelet he ran his fingers over it lovingly. It wasn’t an exact replica of Brian’s, Justin liked to believe that was because Brian’s Cowry bracelet was like Brian himself, unique, but it was close, slightly lighter in colour, and larger, with a thick leather band rather than brown string. Haggling for a few minutes with the stall owner, Justin finally agreed on a price, heading home he slipped the bracelet on, the warmth of the leather tight around his wrist.
Heading into the apartment he gave a quick ‘hi’ to his roommate before heading to the bedroom. Digging out the most recent parcel sent to him by Ben, he dug out the CD and the packet of pictures. The CD had to be a video and not a back up of the pictures because Ben hadn’t embraced the digital image wave, gripping tightly to his old beat up Nikon, he always claimed the pictures had more warmth, more character.
He flipped through the first couple, smiling at pictures of the gang in the usual places, the usual poses. He stopped when he got to one of Debbie’s house, everything was almost exactly like he remembered it, except there was someone else in the picture, someone unexpected, Brian’s trick, the tall dark haired man whose knowing glance had filled Justin with an impotent fury. Without thinking Justin picked up the phone, his hand shaking as he dialled the familiar number.
“Hello Michael? Yeah it’s Justin, you free tomorrow?” Justin listened as Michael answered with a quick affirmative. His heart felt lighter than it had in months, like the pictures had shows him what he was in danger of losing, what he really needed in his life to be happy.
Yeah, I need picked up from the airport. I’m coming home”
~*~
And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
We can plan for a change in weather and time
I never planned on you changing your mind
Word Count 2,280
Rating Mild NC17
Summary He knew how much this was hurting Brian, how much Brian loved him, he loved him enough to let him go, he loved him enough to tell him to go. Set post 5.13 all of Justin's senses carry memories of Brian
Notes For the ever lovely
snapegirlusa for her constant encouragement and support, sorry it’s not Gale/Randy but that is coming promise. Beta by the always amazing veritas_st who makes this fandom so much fun, love you xxx. Lyrics from Last Kiss by Taylor Swift/Boyce Avenue I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
Smell
New York smelled different, I mean on the surface it shouldn’t be that different from Pittsburgh, they were both big cities, filled with smog and pollution and people and noise. The differences were there though, subtle, lying just under the surface but there none the less. Like today, the heat of a New York summer mixed with a sudden rain shower, made the air smell stale, the undercurrent of warmth giving some residing heat to the rain, leaving it warm and sticky on his skin. He packed up his materials quickly and headed towards the subway, sitting on the train he found himself ignoring the hustle and bustle of people around him, his mind drawn back to the last time he had felt cold rain on his skin.
He had come home for his first and only trip to Pittsburgh, the rain had been ferocious and as he made it through the airport launching himself into Brian’s waiting arms, he had smelt rain and sweat and the scent that was just so undeniably Brian. They had ran to the car and barely made it into the loft before ripping at each others clothes, five months of enforced separation leaving them desperate for the feel of skin on skin, the taste of each other, the feeling of completeness that only seemed to come to either of them when their bodies were joined together.
It was his one and only good memory of that visit, the hours and days afterwards filled with pain, awkwardness and the overwhelming knowledge that nothing was the same anymore. Bumping into a trick of Brian’s, one he had later found out was more than a one time deal had filled Justin with a jealous fury, caused a heated argument that had escalated from Brian telling him the guy meant nothing to the furious rebuttal that what Brian did was no longer any of his business because he had left, walked away. He had left shortly after, staying in Debbie’s for his last night, heading to the airport alone. They had made up over the phone, whispered apologies and unspoken fears clouding the conversation but Justin had never returned to Pittsburgh, the handful of times they had been together Brian had come to him. Walking into his apartment and shaking the rain from his hair Justin found himself desperate for the smell of cold rain, the smell of Brian, the smell of home.
~*~
I still remember the look on your face
Been through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
Sound
Justin knew he had to stop calling, knew in his bones that this holding on was doing neither of them any favours. Everytime he promised himself that this would be the last, then he would go a couple of days and his fingers would start to itch, he would feel desperate, dizzy disorientated and he would pick up the phone and call Brian and instantly the world would still, tilt and readjust on its axis making him feel ok again.
He sounded tired tonight, Justin could picture him, lying on the bed in the loft, phone stuck between his neck and ear, fighting to stay awake, hair slightly less perfect than it had probably been during the day. As if trying to prove him right Brian yawned.
“Sorry Sunshine, I need to go, big meeting tomorrow and it’s…..God damn it’s 2am, that’s a new record, two and a half hours on a phone, I’m sending my bill to you.”
“Ha you know you’d miss calling me,” Justin half joked, a part of him desperate for the confirmation, the reassurance. The silence stretched on for several moments, making Justin start to regret picking at the scab, causing them both more pain.
“Course I would,” Brian finally confirmed, his voice was rough, gravelly with tiredness and repressed emotions.
Deciding to just go for it, Justin let his barriers fall. “I miss you.”
“I know,” the words slipped out, almost unheeded and Justin was thrown back to their last night together, lying in each others arms, each putting of the inevitable.
”You need to think about getting going Sunshine,” Brian said as his hands traced lazy patterns over Justin’s skin.
“I know,” he answered. “It’s just…the thought of getting up makes it real.”
“It is real Sunshine,” Brian’s toned was forced casualness, trying to belie the tremors that had shook him, shook both of them earlier as they made love for what might for all intents and purposes be the last time.
“I know it’s just….God I’m going to miss you.”
“I know,” Brian replied his eyes dark, serious. Once upon a time Justin would have wanted a matching declaration but they were past that. He knew how much this was hurting Brian, how much Brian loved him, he loved him enough to let him go, he loved him enough to tell him to go.
“Brian,” Justin started but he was silenced with lips on his own, moving into the kiss, he forgot his words, forgot everything as they made love with a ferocity that spoke of last times and missed chances, whispered words of need, love, want and fear spoken against skin and lips wet with tears.
“Brian,” Justin words were stark in the silence, echoing that lost time.
“Not tonight Sunshine, just go to bed, we’ll talk soon.”
“I love you.” The words needed, demanded to be said, and Justin couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face at Brian’s softly whispered reply.
“I know.”
~*~
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips,
Taste
It amused Justin that he had turned into another Brian Kinney, every guy he picked up was a one time thing, no commitments, no promises, hell most of the time names weren’t even exchanged. Andrew had been the first exception to the rule. He was tall, dark brown hair that was slightly too long, tanned skin, hazel eyes and if you squinted just right…well that wasn’t important. But the best thing was the way he tasted. That mixture of smoke, whiskey and toothpaste that was so like Brian it had taken Justin’s breath away the first time they had kissed.
Andrew had been the first guy Justin saw more than once, the first person in New York he’d gone on an actual date with. For someone so much like Brian he was surprisingly uncomplicated. He had even pretended not to notice on the couple of occasions that the wrong name slipped from Justin's lips. Andrew’s taste and his lack of pushing made him almost a permanent fixture in Justin’s life, until the day Andrew had picked up the wrong call, handing the phone to Justin with a silent nod before settling on the couch.
“So Andrew, huh?” The note of pain in Brian’s voice made him sound completely different from Andrew. With that one sentence the veil of illusion was lifted allowing Justin to see clearly for the first time in weeks. To see that Andrew’s hair was far lighter, his build different, bulkier than Brian’s leanness, his smile less crooked, eyes more green than brown.
“He’s no one, Brian,” Justin watched as a spasm of pain crossed Andrew's face, and felt lost as he couldn’t even work up some level of guilt as Andrew stood up and left, all of his focus, everything he had, was on making the note of pain out in Brian’s voice go away.
“It’s ok Justin, you don’t owe me an explanation.”
“No, seriously listen to me, he is no-one, he means nothing.”
“The same no one you’ve been out with every night this week?”
Justin cursed both his roommate’s forgetfulness, and his complete lack of discretion. “You called?”
“A few times,” Brian’s tone had changed to a forced nonchalance and Justin knew honesty was his only option now.
“He tasted like...”
“Justin really, I don’t want to hear this,” Brian ground out, anger and jealousy replacing the pain.
“No, you have to, you have to understand. He looked like you, he smelled like you, hell he even tasted like you. This, this is hard and I missed you and I...”
“Sunshine,” The use of his nickname and softer tone in Brian’s voice stopped the flow of Justin’s words. “It’s ok, I get that, I…well I don’t like it but I understand.”
“You do?” Justin asked surprised.
“Well yeah, let’s just say you aren’t the only one who has been guilty of substitution.”
The fear in Justin turned quickly to jealousy at the thought of Brian, his Brian with someone else. “You mean you...”
“Never more than once, not since, well you know” Brian answered the tinge of anger back in his voice. “Look we knew this was going to be hard Sunshine and we have to accept that our lives have changed, that each are going to move on, we’re going to meet other people. Look now isn’t the time to get into this, I’ll call you tonight.”
Justin sat with the dialling tone ringing in his ear, trying to pretend his heart didn’t crack at the break in Brian’s voice when he said “other people”. Finally putting the phone down he went to paint, throwing himself into his work to try and blot out the pain.
He never called Andrew again.
~*~
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in
touch
Brian had never been one for handholding. Whenever he wanted to drag Justin off to a back room, wrap around him on a cold night in a warm bed, pull him close for a soft kiss, or even just on those times when he just wanted to reach out and touch, he would wrap his fingers around Justin's wrist. His touch warm and secure. Other times his hands would be wrapped around Justin's own hands as he held him down in bed, his grip hard, almost punishing as he stroked Justin's cock or slid into him, hard and fast. The memory of those fingers still remains; at times Justin will look down at his hands, wondering why his wrist looks so bare when he can clearly feel the imprint of strong warm hands. At times it’s distracting, but at other times, like tonight, as he lay in a cold bed, the sounds and smells of a strange city all around him, it was the only thing that made him feel alive
Wrapping his hand around his c**k, the memory of the last time he and Brian had made love, he could almost swear that Brian's hands were wrapped around his, guiding his movements, pushing at just the right time, slowing down, teasing at moments. When he came, it was Brian's name on his lips and he could almost imagine the taste of him still in his mouth, drifting off to sleep he absently rubbed at his wrists, wondering if the feeling would ever go away, or even if he really wanted it to.
~*~
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Sight
It took Justin a couple of minutes to realise what had drawn his attention at the trinket stall. Picking up the small shell bracelet he ran his fingers over it lovingly. It wasn’t an exact replica of Brian’s, Justin liked to believe that was because Brian’s Cowry bracelet was like Brian himself, unique, but it was close, slightly lighter in colour, and larger, with a thick leather band rather than brown string. Haggling for a few minutes with the stall owner, Justin finally agreed on a price, heading home he slipped the bracelet on, the warmth of the leather tight around his wrist.
Heading into the apartment he gave a quick ‘hi’ to his roommate before heading to the bedroom. Digging out the most recent parcel sent to him by Ben, he dug out the CD and the packet of pictures. The CD had to be a video and not a back up of the pictures because Ben hadn’t embraced the digital image wave, gripping tightly to his old beat up Nikon, he always claimed the pictures had more warmth, more character.
He flipped through the first couple, smiling at pictures of the gang in the usual places, the usual poses. He stopped when he got to one of Debbie’s house, everything was almost exactly like he remembered it, except there was someone else in the picture, someone unexpected, Brian’s trick, the tall dark haired man whose knowing glance had filled Justin with an impotent fury. Without thinking Justin picked up the phone, his hand shaking as he dialled the familiar number.
“Hello Michael? Yeah it’s Justin, you free tomorrow?” Justin listened as Michael answered with a quick affirmative. His heart felt lighter than it had in months, like the pictures had shows him what he was in danger of losing, what he really needed in his life to be happy.
Yeah, I need picked up from the airport. I’m coming home”
~*~
And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
We can plan for a change in weather and time
I never planned on you changing your mind
