20 November 2010 @ 04:25 pm
LJ Idol Week 3 - It's a Trap  
Ok so I spent most of this week completely bewildered with this one and had no idea what to write, then an article I read made me think about some things and this is where my brain led me.

Trigger warning, deals with depression.

They keep telling me that things will get better.

“It takes a while to adjust,” my Ma says. “All that piffle about first connections and love at first sight, It's a myth,” she scoffs. “A myth meant to make men feel sentimental and women feel bad”.

“It took me nearly a month,” she said. A month to feel that spark, that connection that told her she was going to love this person for the rest of her life.

It’s been nearly eight months for me and all I feel is disinterest and frustration. I’m trapped in a never ending cycle of guilt. I know I should be happy, everyone says I should be, so why am I so miserable? Why do I feel so alone?

I used to be happy once. Happy, bright and confident. But that was before, before this, before him. I had a job I loved, that I was good at. I had a social life, I went out every weekend. I spent time on myself, got my hair done in the best salons, I was never seen with a chipped nail or a flyaway hair but all that is gone now. All my time, my energy, my patience and my money is gone, frittered away on him.

I keep hoping that it will change, that my Ma is right and that this is just a phase. I wait each day willing myself to feel the rush of happiness, but by days end I just feel more useless and broken than the day before.

Not that I tell anyone not now, not even my Ma knows now.

When she asks how I’m doing I smile and say “Great, everything is wonderful, I’ve never been happier.” She smiles back at me as if I’m doing something right and replies with “See, I told you all it would take is some time.”

I’m wondering now how much time I have left, how much more I can take before I break completely. But no one would know it to look at me, not that many people do.

I spend each day doing the same things, pouring all my time and energy into making him happy. People smile at me and tell me how wonderful I am with him, how natural it all seems to me and I never say a thing about what I’m feeling, or rather what I’m not feeling .

After all what type of mother would ever admit to not loving their own son.


This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 3, comments as always are appreciated :) If you would like to vote for me please click HERE (Although this week you do have to join the comm to vote, but you should do that anyway because it is fun :) )
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[identity profile] basric.livejournal.com on November 20th, 2010 07:56 pm (UTC)
Well that was a bit of a shock. Well done.
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[identity profile] mrstotten.livejournal.com on November 20th, 2010 08:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much :)

My aim was to surprise people so I'm glad it worked

Thanks for reading and commenting
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[identity profile] just-ruth.livejournal.com on November 20th, 2010 09:10 pm (UTC)
That is frighteningly real - I've known someone in that sort of depression and fortunately, she had someone she could leave the child with when things got really bad.

I had the fortune of being the friend to the someone.

Well done. Well done.
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[identity profile] mrstotten.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 01:22 am (UTC)
I'm sure she was massively lucky to have a friend like you hon. I've watched a a couple of friends go through this and it can be horrific.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment
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[identity profile] meerkat007.livejournal.com on November 20th, 2010 09:32 pm (UTC)
BOOM goes my brain! What a shocker. I was reading the story just thinking "if she's not in love and doesn't want to spend all her time on him, why doesn't she just leave him?" and then you blew me away with the last sentence! Great job darling!
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[identity profile] mrstotten.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 01:22 am (UTC)
Thank you my sweet

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[identity profile] myrna-bird.livejournal.com on November 20th, 2010 11:20 pm (UTC)
Wow. Shocker ending! Gooood job!
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[identity profile] mrstotten.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 01:23 am (UTC)
thank you so much :)
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Molly: Hold Me[identity profile] five-of-five.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 12:07 am (UTC)
Dude.... Awesome!

I know that's probably not exactly the right response, but this was so well written and the ending was like an emotional gut punch. You also did a great job of making me care about her and her son, even though this wasn't very long, and really worry about what'll happen to the baby and if she'll be able to get the help she needs.

Wonderful entry, as always, sweetie!
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[identity profile] mrstotten.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 01:32 am (UTC)
Thank you so much honey

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[identity profile] super-seme04.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 01:17 am (UTC)
That was completely unexpected and like a punch to the gut!

:) Look at you, being all ~sneaky...
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[identity profile] mrstotten.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 01:20 am (UTC)
lol Sneaky from favourite recap ninja is awesome :P

Seriously I was terrified about this one :D
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[identity profile] super-seme04.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 01:23 am (UTC)
I *completely* agree. *shines monocle*

I like it! It's short and there's a lot going on, but the last sentence just wraps it all up in a pretty, little box of OW.
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[identity profile] edith-jones.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 02:11 am (UTC)
I agree with the others. It was a shock. It was also a terrific entry and you'll be getting a vote from me.

BTW, your writing is so very real. After my first child was born [21 years ago yesterday], I suffered from post-partum depression so badly. It took me a year or more to get out of it. I never got any sleep and she was cranky and my husband wasn't helping and I was so sorry that I'd ever had a baby at all. Most of all, I hated myself for not loving my own child. You captured all of this so very well.
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[identity profile] isis-lives.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 04:36 am (UTC)
Honest and riveting. Well done.
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goodbyebird: BtVS keep sinking a little deeper[personal profile] goodbyebird on November 21st, 2010 10:03 am (UTC)
hah okay, now R's response makes total sense, this being the total opposite of you. Curious, are you talking about post-natal depression here, or one of the cases where someone just isn't cut out for motherhood. I know both can happen.
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[identity profile] dishonestdreams.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 03:14 pm (UTC)
Two very enthusiatic thumbs up, hon. Excellently done :)
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[identity profile] veritas-st.livejournal.com on November 21st, 2010 06:31 pm (UTC)
Thought this was gorgeous poppet.

Such a touchy, difficult subject and you got it down perfectly!

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[identity profile] lawchicky.livejournal.com on November 22nd, 2010 12:58 am (UTC)
How sad! I've never gone through this with my children, but I know post partum depression can be very serious :(
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[identity profile] team-jessie.livejournal.com on November 22nd, 2010 01:29 am (UTC)
Wow, amazingly written! What an ending!
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[identity profile] autumn-lilacs.livejournal.com on November 22nd, 2010 12:47 pm (UTC)
Very excellent, and I have other thinky thoughts but it is quite early in the morning. *high five*
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[identity profile] ellakite.livejournal.com on November 23rd, 2010 09:59 pm (UTC)
Powerful and raw...
And honest. It's hard to be that honest.
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[identity profile] nyxocity.livejournal.com on November 23rd, 2010 10:17 pm (UTC)
That was a great sucker punch there at the end. Very raw and honest. It leaves me wanting to hug you.
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[identity profile] mrstotten.livejournal.com on November 23rd, 2010 10:19 pm (UTC)
Oh god now I feel bad :P this is one of my (admittedly very few) fiction entries. I was really really lucky to bond with my wee man straight away, but have a few friends who suffered badly from pnd :(

But really glad you enjoyed it.

How are you enjoying the competition?
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[identity profile] awriterswindow.livejournal.com on November 23rd, 2010 10:43 pm (UTC)
Very powerful...and so true for many women out there.
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[identity profile] gaea-rising.livejournal.com on November 24th, 2010 05:18 am (UTC)
This is so much more common than most people believe. This is wonderfully well-written.
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