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J2 Fanfiction (One Shot)
Ok my darling internet Wifey Savingfaith333 wrote wonderfully beautiful J2 angst which broke me and had me wailing into my cornflakes about my poor, poor Jensen and begging her to fix it and give me a happy ending, which she flat out refused to do. Mean Wifey, but she did encourage me to write a happy ending of my own, and here it is.
Oh my muse was also helped along by the wonderful song Used to by Daughtry Which is where the lyrics at the beginning of the story come from.
Beta as usual done by the wonderfully amazing Autumn_lilacs Who always manages to twist my words into something readable. Thanks to my veritas_st for the song inspiration and cheerleading, and my SPN Writers Lounge buddy Cfriskney for the encouragement and support.
Title : Finding Home
Pairing : J2 (RPS) (One Shot)
Words : 4,200
Summary : When you have thrown away the most important thing in your life, can you ever recover. Jensen and Jared learn the hard way how easily fear and mistrust can destroy even the strongest of bonds
”You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
~~*~~
Jared smiled absentmindedly as Chad regaled him with his latest on set antics. His mind was so far from the actual conversation that it took him several seconds to realise that Chad had stopped talking.
“Dude, have you been listening to a word I’ve been saying?” Chad asked with a frown.
“Yeah, of course,” Jared replied, his voice lacking the necessary conviction to make the lie believable.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Chad asked. “You have been on another planet since you landed two days ago.”
Jared shrugged his shoulders as he continued to shred his napkin.
“It’s nothing,” he answered, giving Chad his best impersonation of a smile.
Jared knew that Chad could see right through him, but truth was, he wasn’t ready to admit to anyone, least of all Chad, what was bothering him.
He was in L.A.
He was in L.A. and Jensen lived in L.A. which was one of the main reason’s Jared had avoided the place for so long, if truth be told. For a long time it had been too hard to be near Jensen, to see the pain in his eyes, and to know that he was the cause of it. It was too hard facing the biggest mistake of his life every damned day. He had done a lot of things in his life that he regretted, but what had happened with Jensen had been on top of the list.
He had never meant for anything to turn out the way it did, had never expected things to go so wrong.
When he had first met Jen, he had been little more than a kid; and Jensen, God, Jensen had blown him away. He had never realised how quickly he could fall for someone; how quick, and how hard.
It hadn’t just been the way Jensen looked, although that hadn’t hurt, but there had been much more to it than that. There had been a calmness around Jensen, a stillnessthat had taken all the bundled up energy inside of Jared and levelled it. When Jensen had been around, he had felt peaceful.
He knew he had been good for Jensen, too. Jared had taught Jensen not to take life so seriously, and together, they had become unstoppable. It hadn’t taken too many steps to move from best friends to lovers, but once that line had been crossed, it had felt like it had always been that way. Like life had started the day that he had fallen in love with Jensen.
That had scared Jared, scared him senseless. The idea of spending his life with one other person had never occurred to him before Jensen, and he wasn’t ready; he wasn’t ready for forever, not yet.
Then Misha had come along, and everything had gone to hell. Not that any of it had been Misha’s fault. No, Jared had no-one to blame but himself.
Misha had known about Jared and Jensen from fairly early on, and he had actually been Jensen’s friend first. Jared had listened to Jensen go on and on about the new guy like he was the second coming, to the extent that he had actually been a little jealous.
Then Jared had met Misha himself, ad they had clicked, instantly. Sharing a similar sense of humour, Jared and Misha had started bouncing off each other, and the fans had lapped it up. From then on, they had been inseparable; the bane of the crew, Kripke, and any PA crazy enough to come near them, and it had been fun. There had been no worries about forever, or commitment or hurt feelings. Then as the silences between himself and Jensen had grown longer, the distance between them wider, well, Jared had become an expert at only seeing what he wanted to.
Then things had come to a head in Australia. He had known the joking had gone too far, when he had seen the defeated set of Jensen’s shoulder. His heart had sunk to his stomach and he had felt a clamouring need to make amends. It had felt like a physical pain when Jensen had pulled away from his touch as he tried to apologise, and Jared had spent the next few hours stuck to Jensen’s side, trying to take away the look of defeat in his eyes.
Because, Jared had become adept at not seeing the pain, the fear in Jensen’s eyes. But that look of defeat had scared him senseless. It meant only one thing. Jensen had quit, Jensen had given up on him, on them and that knowledge cut through Jared like a knife.
Misha had caught up with him afterwards, asked him what was going on, if Jensen was ok. Jared had made light of it, told Misha everything was fine. But he had known, everyone had known that something had shifted. He had realised then and there that his flirtation with Misha had been a way to run and hide from things that he wasn’t ready to face.
When they had gotten home and Jensen told him he was moving out, leaving him, Jared had stood by and let him. Even though the voice inside him had screamed at him to make it stop, to make Jensen stay, he couldn’t, and if Jaredwas being truthful, a part of him didn’t want to. Everything had been going too far, too fast, and he just hadn’t been ready.
So Jared had shut his mouth, stood back and watched. Watched as Jensen, his best friend, and love of his life left without a backwards glance, and Jared had told himself it was for the best.
Jared had found himself repeating that mantra a lot over the next year. As they wrapped up the last season, everything had been so polite. Jensen had been friendly; he joked, he laughed, but there was a wall between them now.
Not that Jared had any right to complain anymore.
Before Jared had time to blink, the show was over and everyone was saying their goodbyes. Jared had spent three days trying to catch a moment alone with Jensen. He wasn’t even sure what he was going to say, he just knew that he couldn’t let the last five years be done without saying something, anything to try and fix things.
A year of not having Jensen in his life, of having him be a part of it, but not really in it, had taught Jared that there were far worse things to face than fear.
On the last day he had spent an hour searching everywhere that he could think of, but had come back with no sign of Jensen. When he had finally run into Misha, and asked if he had seen him, he had known instantly from the look on his face that something wasn’t right.
Misha had looked sad and sympathetic as he had told Jared that Jensen had said his goodbyes last night, before catching a plane in the early hours of the morning. Jared had turned away from Misha’s questioning glances, he knew that Misha had always been curious as to what had actually happened between Jensen and Jared, but being a good friend, he had never pushed for answers.
Jared had headed back to his trailer feeling lost, an empty feeling in the pit of his tummy. It was over, five years of his life had ended abruptly, with no goodbye and no making amends or building bridges; it was just done.
Over the next couple of years he had still texted Jensen on occasion. The odd ‘How you doing, everything going good’ and he had always received a friendly reply, but he had never called. He had known deep down that hearing Jensen’s voice would not be a good idea. So he never called, and he never, ever came to L.A, despite Chad’s constant invitations. Until now.
Now here he was, back in L.A. for Misha’s birthday. The man had gone on for months before Jared had finally caved, something inside telling him that the time was right, that it was time to go home.
Jared finally pulled himself out of stupor and smiled at Chad.
“I’m fine buddy, just thinking,” Jared said, his smile dying on his lips as he noticed the sharp angry look on Chad’s face.
“Thought Collins said he wasn’t fucking coming,” Chad growled.
Jared didn’t need more than one guess to know who the he that Chad was referring to was. He could feel Jensen’s presence behind him.
Jared steeled himself and with a quick warning glance at Chad, turned round to greet Jensen.
“Hey you,” Jared greeted Jensen with a large smile. “Been a long time.” He said as he wrapped his arms around Jensen in a friendly hug. Jared tried to pretend he didn’t notice the slight stiffening of Jensen’s shoulders, or the fact that Jensen drew away first.
“Yeah man,” Jensen replied smiling as he took a step back, out of Jared’s reach. Not for the first time, Jared longed to be able to turn back the clock to a time where everything was easy, and touching Jensen was as natural as breathing. But he knew that time had passed. Pasting on a grin, he punched Jensen’s shoulder lightly, his hands still not seeming to catch up with the messages that his brain was sending.
He surveyed Jensen and surprised himself with how much he still knew about this man. Anyone looking over would see him looking relaxed, happy. Just a guy smiling and chatting away. Only someone who knew Jensen, really knew him, would see the small lines of strain around his mouth, or that his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“So you’ve been busy,” Jared said. “We saw your movie last month, it was great, right Chad?” Jared turned to Chad and sighed at the look on his face. Clearly Chad had no intention of making this any less uncomfortable than it already was.
Chad met Jared’s eyes defiantly, and Jared tried as hard as he could to convey some sort of message to him to just behave like a normal guy for once. After a couple of minutes, Chad broke the gaze and sighed heavily.
“Fine,” Chad replied. “I’m going to get something to drink and have a chat with Collins. Jay you want one man?” he asked, pointedly ignoring Jensen.
“No I’m fine,” Jared replied, shaking his head.
Chad left, tossing another angry glare at Jensen as he went.
The silence stretched for a couple of seconds, and Jared searched his mind for something, anything to fill it. To keep Jensen here, talking to him, being with him. His heart stopped when Jensen cleared his throat uncomfortably, and Jared prepared himself for the polite goodbye that was coming.
“So, Chad,” Jensen said, surprising him. “Still a douche, huh?”
Jared grinned widely, for real this time when he realised that Jensen wasn’t leaving.
“Yep,” Jared confirmed. “A loveable douche, but still a douche.”
“Yeah,” Jensen replied. “I’ll take your word on the loveable part. So what you been up to Jay?” he asked with a smile.
Jared felt his heart jump at the familiar use of his nickname. He wasn’t sure if he imagined it, but something seemed to have sparked to life in Jensen’s eyes, a slight slipping of the guard that he had held up so rigidly against Jared for so long.
The next half hour flew by as they caught up with news of work, friends and family, the conversation flowing easily, almost slotting back into the rhythm that they had once known so naturally.
During the conversation, his hands, seemingly unable to listen to any of the ‘stop touching’ messages he had been trying to send them since the beginning of the conversation, stroked Jensen’s arm lightly while he was in the middle of telling Jared an on set anecdote. Jared was unable to stop his heart singing when, instead of pulling away, Jensen simply smiled slightly and continued on with the story. For the first time in a long time, Jared wondered if maybe things weren’t as unfixable as he thought.
The interruption of someone clearing their throat had Jared looking away from Jensen, and meeting the cold, hard blue eyes of Chris Kane.
“Hey, Chris.” Jensen greeted his friend with a slight catch in his throat, and Jared couldn’t help but notice the blush that had crept up Jensen’s neck, flooding his cheeks with colour.
“Jared and I were just catching up,” Jensen continued almost apologetically.
A wave or irritation went through Jared at the apologetic note in Jensen’s voice. As if speaking to Jared was something he should be apologizing for.
“Yeah I noticed,” Chris replied, a tight sardonic note in his voice.
Jared met his gaze defiantly. He got it, Chris was Jensen’s friend, and Jared had hurt him. None of this was news to Jared, but he was damned if he was going to feel cowed by Christian Fucking Kane. Jared saw the flash of anger in Chris’s eyes when Jared stared him down, swiftly replaced by something darker.
“Anyway,” Chris continued. “I’m feeling beat Jen, and Steve already left, so I thought I’d come over and see if you felt like heading home.”
Jared opened his mouth to form sort of protest to Jensen leaving, ready with excuses of ‘catching up’ and ‘been too long’, but the words died in his throat as he watched Chris lean forward and whisper something in Jensen’s ear, before claiming Jensen’s mouth in a soft, firm kiss.
Jared rocked back on his heels as anger, disbelief, and jealousy ran through him. He watched, a sick empty feeling in his stomach as Chris laced his fingers through Jensen’s.
“So what do you say babe, time for home?” Chris asked with a tender smile, before turning his gaze on Jared with an unspoken challenge in his eyes.
Jensen looked from Chris to Jared, something indefinable in his eyes.
“Yeah,” Jensen finally replied. “Sounds good to me.”
Jensen turned to Jared with a slightly sad smile on his face, and it took every ounce of willpower that Jared had not to wrench him away from Chris, words of possession and need flashing through his brain. But Jensen wasn’t his anymore, whatever claim he once had to him, he had thrown away in fear and doubt and he had no right to complain about Jensen finding someone else. It had been nearly four years since he had let Jensen slip through his fingers, it was foolish to think, to hope, that Jensen would still be waiting for him, that someone else wouldn’t see the prize that Jared had disregarded so casually. But still, even with every logical argument in the world going through his mind, Jared still felt the betrayal cut through him like a knife.
“It was nice seeing you again, Jay,” Jensen said softly. “Keep in touch.”
“Yeah,” Jared answered, his voice rough and slightly hoarse, and he cursed himself for the fact that he sounded like he was going to start wailing like a ten year old girl. “It was nice seeing you too, Jen, and I will”
Jared watched while Chris and Jensen left, their hands entwined tightly, and he tried to keep the emotions in place. A thousand memories flashed through his mind at once. His first introduction to Jensen. His soft sweet smile. Their first kiss, drunk and tangled in a dark alley next to a dumpster,. Their first “I love you”, followed by a thousand more. Their last real goodbye, as Jensen had packed his stuff and left the home they shared.
Jared’s throat felt scratchy, and his eyes stung with unshed tears, as he faced the fact that it really was over. There would be no second chances, no going back. What he had with Jen was gone, forever.
Jared saw Misha looking over at him after following Chris and Jensen’s path out the door, confusion and worry on his face as he started towards Jared. Jared shook his head at him briefly and watched Misha’s step falter. He nodded his head towards the door, letting Misha know that he was leaving, and saw him nod in reply.
Misha was a good friend, one of the best, and he had made no secret of the fact that he had wanted Jensen and Jared to sort things out, but right now Jared couldn’t take sympathy, or words of condolences. All he wanted right now was a couple of stiff drinks, and his bed, where he could fall asleep and forget how he had screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to him.
~*~
Jensen turned to Chris in the taxi, shaking his head at the wide grin on his friends face.
“You wanna tell me what that was all about back there?” Jensen asked, the tightness in his voice showing that he wasn’t best pleased.
“What?” Chris asked with an expression of mock innocence on his face.
Jensen sighed, and asked himself again how he had ended up with a best friend who had all the emotional maturity of a twelve year.
“The kiss,” Jensen replied. “The whispered ‘go with me here’. The hand holding, the show you just put on in front of Jay….. Jared.”
Chris laughed loudly.
“Man, it was awesome, wasn’t it?” He asked, laughing. “Did you see his face? He looked like someone had shot his puppies.” Chris relaxed back in his seat, a smile of satisfaction on his face.
“He did not look like someone had shot his puppies.” Jensen replied, shaking his head. “Where the fuck do you come up with these expressions? He was surprised is all. Jared has no interest in who I date, we were over a long time ago,” Jensen finished.
“Yeah,” Chris replied, the laughter dying in his voice as he turned to look at Jensen seriously, concern clouding his blue eyes. “About that, it didn’t look too over from where I was standing, Jen. You really don’t need to go down that road again, that kid damned near broke you last time,” Chris said a hard edge of anger in his voice.
Jensen sighed heavily.
“Relax, Chris,” Jensen said softly. “You misinterpreted the situation, all you saw were two old friends catching up”
“Yeah,” Chris said again, his tone conveying sheer disbelief. “If you say so Jen. Just, be careful.”
Jensen laughed this time.
“Careful about what?” he asked. “There is nothing going on with me and Jared, not any more. But it would be nice if we could be friends again. I’ve missed having him around,” Jensen stated with a sad smile.
“Ok,” Chris replied. “If that’s what you want Jen, just don’t expect me to be nice to the guy.”
“I won’t,” Jensen answered. “Hell, you’re barely nice to me,” he finished with a smirk.
“Hey, I resent that,” Chris replied slinging his arm around Jensen as they got out of the taxi and headed upstairs to Jensen’s apartment, where Chris was crashing for a few days. “I was plenty nice to you back at the party. I don’t go around just kissing any guy Jenny Boy.”
“You don’t kiss guys, period,” Jensen replied, smiling.
“Exactly,” Chris stated, as if Jensen had proved his point for him,
“About that,” Jensen started as they headed into the apartment, Chris heading for the fridge as Jensen threw himself down on the sofa. “If Jay and I keep in touch, he is going to find out that the whole kiss and holding hands thing was a show.”
“I know,” Chris said walking back towards Jensen with two bottles of beer in his hand.
“So what was all that about at the party?” Jensen asked, confused, as he took the offered beer from Chris.
“I just thought the kid deserved a little taste of his own medicine,” Chris replied with a shrug settling down on the sofa next to Jensen.
“I told you,” Jensen said with a smile. “He wasn’t bothered, we’re friends Chris, or we will be again, hopefully. Anything other than that was dead a long time ago.”
Chris looked over at his friend, but this time his smile held a touch of sadness.
“Whatever you want to tell yourself, Jen,” Chris said with a sad shake of his head.
~~8~~
Jared looked around the party, bored and restless. He really had to stop letting Misha talk him into things, although Jared had learned that “no”, wasn’t a word Misha accepted very often.
“You know, the look on your face, anyone would think you were at the dentist, Jay, not a party,” a soft voice spoke from just behind Jared’s shoulder.
Jared tried to ignore the way that his heart leapt, at the sound of that voice.
“Hey, Jen,” Jared replied as casually as he could, smiling as Jensen took the seat next to him.
“So what’s up?” Jensen asked looking around. “Not your crowd?”
“Not my scene anymore,” Jared replied. He frowned slightly as Jensen raised his eyebrows in disbelief at his words.
“What?” Jared asked, stung. “You don’t believe me?”
“It’s not that,” Jensen replied softly, taking the sting out of his previous actions. “It’s just that you were always a big party guy,” he finished with a slight shrug.
“Yeah, maybe,” Jared conceded. “But it’s been a while Jen, people change. I’ve changed.”
Jared’s skin prickled with electricity as he felt Jensen’s eyes on him, He turned to meet Jensen’s gaze and was surprised to see a pleased gleam in Jensen’s eyes.
“Yeah, I guess they do,” Jensen replied with a warm smile. “Sorry about being too quick to judge, it has been a while”
Jared’s anger disappeared at Jensen’s words, and he smiled back. It shook him, that even knowing there was nothing between them anymore, that Jensen had the ability to affect him this much.
“It’s okay,” he said. “So you here with Chris?” Jared asked, quite proud of the fact that he had gotten the question out without a single stutter.
Jensen seemed to take a while to consider his answer, and Jared looked over at him questioningly.
“Yeah,” Jensen finally replied. “I came with Steve, Chris, and Chris’s girlfriend, Amanda.”
Jared’s eyes widened and his mind raced as he took in Jensen’s words.
“Chris’s girlfriend?” he questioned. Wondering if he had heard correctly or if his brain had finally broken, and was just supplying him with the words that he wanted to hear,
Jensen turned to Jared and smiled: that soft slow sweet smile that had caused Jared to fall in love with him, all those years ago.
“Yes, his girlfriend.” Jensen answered.
“But then what…… the party… why…..he kissed you,” Jared finally spat out, embarrassed by the note of accusation in his voice.
“Yeah,” Jensen replied, as he rubbed the back of his neck absentmindedly. “About that.”
Jared stared at Jensen, his own eyebrows rose now, waiting to see how Jensen would talk his way out of this one.
When Jensen finally spoke, his words came out rushed and hurried.
“He was messing with you.” Jensen stated. “He thought it would make you jealous. I told him he was being ridiculous, that we were long past that, but he…”
“It did,” Jared broke in, surprising both himself and Jensen. “Make me. Jealous I mean.”
Jared started to fidget as Jensen stared at him, an inscrutable look on his face. Sometimes he wished his mouth knew when to just shut up.
“Huh,” Jensen finally replied. “I didn’t think, what I mean is….. I didn’t think you felt that way. Any more.”
Jared looked at Jensen as a flush of embarrassment crept up his neck. This was nothing like it used to be. This was awkward, and fumbling, and embarrassing verging on the ridiculous. It was also freaking wonderful.
Jensen still cared, he was more sure of that now than he had been about anything in his whole life. Jensen cared, and he wasn’t with Chris, and Jared was no longer and idiot and this, this might just be something they could save after all.
“So that whole getting to know each other thing again,” Jared started, smiling as Jensen’s eyes flew to his, bolstered by the beginnings of hope he saw there. “You wanna try that maybe, like now?”
Jensen smile grew wider, the renewed sparkle in his eyes making the green tones ridiculously bright. “Sounds good to me,” Jensen said.
Jared grinned in reply, the happy feeling in his chest growing, heating him up from the inside out as he and Jen fell into a long conversation. They started filling in the blanks that three years apart had caused. Discussing new friends, new stories, sharing old jokes and old reminisces.
Jared knew this wasn’t going to be easy; there was a lot of anger, mistrust, and missteps to be dealt with. But it would be worth it.
Love always was.
~~8~~
Oh my muse was also helped along by the wonderful song Used to by Daughtry Which is where the lyrics at the beginning of the story come from.
Beta as usual done by the wonderfully amazing Autumn_lilacs Who always manages to twist my words into something readable. Thanks to my veritas_st for the song inspiration and cheerleading, and my SPN Writers Lounge buddy Cfriskney for the encouragement and support.
Title : Finding Home
Pairing : J2 (RPS) (One Shot)
Words : 4,200
Summary : When you have thrown away the most important thing in your life, can you ever recover. Jensen and Jared learn the hard way how easily fear and mistrust can destroy even the strongest of bonds
”You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
~~*~~
Jared smiled absentmindedly as Chad regaled him with his latest on set antics. His mind was so far from the actual conversation that it took him several seconds to realise that Chad had stopped talking.
“Dude, have you been listening to a word I’ve been saying?” Chad asked with a frown.
“Yeah, of course,” Jared replied, his voice lacking the necessary conviction to make the lie believable.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Chad asked. “You have been on another planet since you landed two days ago.”
Jared shrugged his shoulders as he continued to shred his napkin.
“It’s nothing,” he answered, giving Chad his best impersonation of a smile.
Jared knew that Chad could see right through him, but truth was, he wasn’t ready to admit to anyone, least of all Chad, what was bothering him.
He was in L.A.
He was in L.A. and Jensen lived in L.A. which was one of the main reason’s Jared had avoided the place for so long, if truth be told. For a long time it had been too hard to be near Jensen, to see the pain in his eyes, and to know that he was the cause of it. It was too hard facing the biggest mistake of his life every damned day. He had done a lot of things in his life that he regretted, but what had happened with Jensen had been on top of the list.
He had never meant for anything to turn out the way it did, had never expected things to go so wrong.
When he had first met Jen, he had been little more than a kid; and Jensen, God, Jensen had blown him away. He had never realised how quickly he could fall for someone; how quick, and how hard.
It hadn’t just been the way Jensen looked, although that hadn’t hurt, but there had been much more to it than that. There had been a calmness around Jensen, a stillnessthat had taken all the bundled up energy inside of Jared and levelled it. When Jensen had been around, he had felt peaceful.
He knew he had been good for Jensen, too. Jared had taught Jensen not to take life so seriously, and together, they had become unstoppable. It hadn’t taken too many steps to move from best friends to lovers, but once that line had been crossed, it had felt like it had always been that way. Like life had started the day that he had fallen in love with Jensen.
That had scared Jared, scared him senseless. The idea of spending his life with one other person had never occurred to him before Jensen, and he wasn’t ready; he wasn’t ready for forever, not yet.
Then Misha had come along, and everything had gone to hell. Not that any of it had been Misha’s fault. No, Jared had no-one to blame but himself.
Misha had known about Jared and Jensen from fairly early on, and he had actually been Jensen’s friend first. Jared had listened to Jensen go on and on about the new guy like he was the second coming, to the extent that he had actually been a little jealous.
Then Jared had met Misha himself, ad they had clicked, instantly. Sharing a similar sense of humour, Jared and Misha had started bouncing off each other, and the fans had lapped it up. From then on, they had been inseparable; the bane of the crew, Kripke, and any PA crazy enough to come near them, and it had been fun. There had been no worries about forever, or commitment or hurt feelings. Then as the silences between himself and Jensen had grown longer, the distance between them wider, well, Jared had become an expert at only seeing what he wanted to.
Then things had come to a head in Australia. He had known the joking had gone too far, when he had seen the defeated set of Jensen’s shoulder. His heart had sunk to his stomach and he had felt a clamouring need to make amends. It had felt like a physical pain when Jensen had pulled away from his touch as he tried to apologise, and Jared had spent the next few hours stuck to Jensen’s side, trying to take away the look of defeat in his eyes.
Because, Jared had become adept at not seeing the pain, the fear in Jensen’s eyes. But that look of defeat had scared him senseless. It meant only one thing. Jensen had quit, Jensen had given up on him, on them and that knowledge cut through Jared like a knife.
Misha had caught up with him afterwards, asked him what was going on, if Jensen was ok. Jared had made light of it, told Misha everything was fine. But he had known, everyone had known that something had shifted. He had realised then and there that his flirtation with Misha had been a way to run and hide from things that he wasn’t ready to face.
When they had gotten home and Jensen told him he was moving out, leaving him, Jared had stood by and let him. Even though the voice inside him had screamed at him to make it stop, to make Jensen stay, he couldn’t, and if Jaredwas being truthful, a part of him didn’t want to. Everything had been going too far, too fast, and he just hadn’t been ready.
So Jared had shut his mouth, stood back and watched. Watched as Jensen, his best friend, and love of his life left without a backwards glance, and Jared had told himself it was for the best.
Jared had found himself repeating that mantra a lot over the next year. As they wrapped up the last season, everything had been so polite. Jensen had been friendly; he joked, he laughed, but there was a wall between them now.
Not that Jared had any right to complain anymore.
Before Jared had time to blink, the show was over and everyone was saying their goodbyes. Jared had spent three days trying to catch a moment alone with Jensen. He wasn’t even sure what he was going to say, he just knew that he couldn’t let the last five years be done without saying something, anything to try and fix things.
A year of not having Jensen in his life, of having him be a part of it, but not really in it, had taught Jared that there were far worse things to face than fear.
On the last day he had spent an hour searching everywhere that he could think of, but had come back with no sign of Jensen. When he had finally run into Misha, and asked if he had seen him, he had known instantly from the look on his face that something wasn’t right.
Misha had looked sad and sympathetic as he had told Jared that Jensen had said his goodbyes last night, before catching a plane in the early hours of the morning. Jared had turned away from Misha’s questioning glances, he knew that Misha had always been curious as to what had actually happened between Jensen and Jared, but being a good friend, he had never pushed for answers.
Jared had headed back to his trailer feeling lost, an empty feeling in the pit of his tummy. It was over, five years of his life had ended abruptly, with no goodbye and no making amends or building bridges; it was just done.
Over the next couple of years he had still texted Jensen on occasion. The odd ‘How you doing, everything going good’ and he had always received a friendly reply, but he had never called. He had known deep down that hearing Jensen’s voice would not be a good idea. So he never called, and he never, ever came to L.A, despite Chad’s constant invitations. Until now.
Now here he was, back in L.A. for Misha’s birthday. The man had gone on for months before Jared had finally caved, something inside telling him that the time was right, that it was time to go home.
Jared finally pulled himself out of stupor and smiled at Chad.
“I’m fine buddy, just thinking,” Jared said, his smile dying on his lips as he noticed the sharp angry look on Chad’s face.
“Thought Collins said he wasn’t fucking coming,” Chad growled.
Jared didn’t need more than one guess to know who the he that Chad was referring to was. He could feel Jensen’s presence behind him.
Jared steeled himself and with a quick warning glance at Chad, turned round to greet Jensen.
“Hey you,” Jared greeted Jensen with a large smile. “Been a long time.” He said as he wrapped his arms around Jensen in a friendly hug. Jared tried to pretend he didn’t notice the slight stiffening of Jensen’s shoulders, or the fact that Jensen drew away first.
“Yeah man,” Jensen replied smiling as he took a step back, out of Jared’s reach. Not for the first time, Jared longed to be able to turn back the clock to a time where everything was easy, and touching Jensen was as natural as breathing. But he knew that time had passed. Pasting on a grin, he punched Jensen’s shoulder lightly, his hands still not seeming to catch up with the messages that his brain was sending.
He surveyed Jensen and surprised himself with how much he still knew about this man. Anyone looking over would see him looking relaxed, happy. Just a guy smiling and chatting away. Only someone who knew Jensen, really knew him, would see the small lines of strain around his mouth, or that his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“So you’ve been busy,” Jared said. “We saw your movie last month, it was great, right Chad?” Jared turned to Chad and sighed at the look on his face. Clearly Chad had no intention of making this any less uncomfortable than it already was.
Chad met Jared’s eyes defiantly, and Jared tried as hard as he could to convey some sort of message to him to just behave like a normal guy for once. After a couple of minutes, Chad broke the gaze and sighed heavily.
“Fine,” Chad replied. “I’m going to get something to drink and have a chat with Collins. Jay you want one man?” he asked, pointedly ignoring Jensen.
“No I’m fine,” Jared replied, shaking his head.
Chad left, tossing another angry glare at Jensen as he went.
The silence stretched for a couple of seconds, and Jared searched his mind for something, anything to fill it. To keep Jensen here, talking to him, being with him. His heart stopped when Jensen cleared his throat uncomfortably, and Jared prepared himself for the polite goodbye that was coming.
“So, Chad,” Jensen said, surprising him. “Still a douche, huh?”
Jared grinned widely, for real this time when he realised that Jensen wasn’t leaving.
“Yep,” Jared confirmed. “A loveable douche, but still a douche.”
“Yeah,” Jensen replied. “I’ll take your word on the loveable part. So what you been up to Jay?” he asked with a smile.
Jared felt his heart jump at the familiar use of his nickname. He wasn’t sure if he imagined it, but something seemed to have sparked to life in Jensen’s eyes, a slight slipping of the guard that he had held up so rigidly against Jared for so long.
The next half hour flew by as they caught up with news of work, friends and family, the conversation flowing easily, almost slotting back into the rhythm that they had once known so naturally.
During the conversation, his hands, seemingly unable to listen to any of the ‘stop touching’ messages he had been trying to send them since the beginning of the conversation, stroked Jensen’s arm lightly while he was in the middle of telling Jared an on set anecdote. Jared was unable to stop his heart singing when, instead of pulling away, Jensen simply smiled slightly and continued on with the story. For the first time in a long time, Jared wondered if maybe things weren’t as unfixable as he thought.
The interruption of someone clearing their throat had Jared looking away from Jensen, and meeting the cold, hard blue eyes of Chris Kane.
“Hey, Chris.” Jensen greeted his friend with a slight catch in his throat, and Jared couldn’t help but notice the blush that had crept up Jensen’s neck, flooding his cheeks with colour.
“Jared and I were just catching up,” Jensen continued almost apologetically.
A wave or irritation went through Jared at the apologetic note in Jensen’s voice. As if speaking to Jared was something he should be apologizing for.
“Yeah I noticed,” Chris replied, a tight sardonic note in his voice.
Jared met his gaze defiantly. He got it, Chris was Jensen’s friend, and Jared had hurt him. None of this was news to Jared, but he was damned if he was going to feel cowed by Christian Fucking Kane. Jared saw the flash of anger in Chris’s eyes when Jared stared him down, swiftly replaced by something darker.
“Anyway,” Chris continued. “I’m feeling beat Jen, and Steve already left, so I thought I’d come over and see if you felt like heading home.”
Jared opened his mouth to form sort of protest to Jensen leaving, ready with excuses of ‘catching up’ and ‘been too long’, but the words died in his throat as he watched Chris lean forward and whisper something in Jensen’s ear, before claiming Jensen’s mouth in a soft, firm kiss.
Jared rocked back on his heels as anger, disbelief, and jealousy ran through him. He watched, a sick empty feeling in his stomach as Chris laced his fingers through Jensen’s.
“So what do you say babe, time for home?” Chris asked with a tender smile, before turning his gaze on Jared with an unspoken challenge in his eyes.
Jensen looked from Chris to Jared, something indefinable in his eyes.
“Yeah,” Jensen finally replied. “Sounds good to me.”
Jensen turned to Jared with a slightly sad smile on his face, and it took every ounce of willpower that Jared had not to wrench him away from Chris, words of possession and need flashing through his brain. But Jensen wasn’t his anymore, whatever claim he once had to him, he had thrown away in fear and doubt and he had no right to complain about Jensen finding someone else. It had been nearly four years since he had let Jensen slip through his fingers, it was foolish to think, to hope, that Jensen would still be waiting for him, that someone else wouldn’t see the prize that Jared had disregarded so casually. But still, even with every logical argument in the world going through his mind, Jared still felt the betrayal cut through him like a knife.
“It was nice seeing you again, Jay,” Jensen said softly. “Keep in touch.”
“Yeah,” Jared answered, his voice rough and slightly hoarse, and he cursed himself for the fact that he sounded like he was going to start wailing like a ten year old girl. “It was nice seeing you too, Jen, and I will”
Jared watched while Chris and Jensen left, their hands entwined tightly, and he tried to keep the emotions in place. A thousand memories flashed through his mind at once. His first introduction to Jensen. His soft sweet smile. Their first kiss, drunk and tangled in a dark alley next to a dumpster,. Their first “I love you”, followed by a thousand more. Their last real goodbye, as Jensen had packed his stuff and left the home they shared.
Jared’s throat felt scratchy, and his eyes stung with unshed tears, as he faced the fact that it really was over. There would be no second chances, no going back. What he had with Jen was gone, forever.
Jared saw Misha looking over at him after following Chris and Jensen’s path out the door, confusion and worry on his face as he started towards Jared. Jared shook his head at him briefly and watched Misha’s step falter. He nodded his head towards the door, letting Misha know that he was leaving, and saw him nod in reply.
Misha was a good friend, one of the best, and he had made no secret of the fact that he had wanted Jensen and Jared to sort things out, but right now Jared couldn’t take sympathy, or words of condolences. All he wanted right now was a couple of stiff drinks, and his bed, where he could fall asleep and forget how he had screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to him.
~*~
Jensen turned to Chris in the taxi, shaking his head at the wide grin on his friends face.
“You wanna tell me what that was all about back there?” Jensen asked, the tightness in his voice showing that he wasn’t best pleased.
“What?” Chris asked with an expression of mock innocence on his face.
Jensen sighed, and asked himself again how he had ended up with a best friend who had all the emotional maturity of a twelve year.
“The kiss,” Jensen replied. “The whispered ‘go with me here’. The hand holding, the show you just put on in front of Jay….. Jared.”
Chris laughed loudly.
“Man, it was awesome, wasn’t it?” He asked, laughing. “Did you see his face? He looked like someone had shot his puppies.” Chris relaxed back in his seat, a smile of satisfaction on his face.
“He did not look like someone had shot his puppies.” Jensen replied, shaking his head. “Where the fuck do you come up with these expressions? He was surprised is all. Jared has no interest in who I date, we were over a long time ago,” Jensen finished.
“Yeah,” Chris replied, the laughter dying in his voice as he turned to look at Jensen seriously, concern clouding his blue eyes. “About that, it didn’t look too over from where I was standing, Jen. You really don’t need to go down that road again, that kid damned near broke you last time,” Chris said a hard edge of anger in his voice.
Jensen sighed heavily.
“Relax, Chris,” Jensen said softly. “You misinterpreted the situation, all you saw were two old friends catching up”
“Yeah,” Chris said again, his tone conveying sheer disbelief. “If you say so Jen. Just, be careful.”
Jensen laughed this time.
“Careful about what?” he asked. “There is nothing going on with me and Jared, not any more. But it would be nice if we could be friends again. I’ve missed having him around,” Jensen stated with a sad smile.
“Ok,” Chris replied. “If that’s what you want Jen, just don’t expect me to be nice to the guy.”
“I won’t,” Jensen answered. “Hell, you’re barely nice to me,” he finished with a smirk.
“Hey, I resent that,” Chris replied slinging his arm around Jensen as they got out of the taxi and headed upstairs to Jensen’s apartment, where Chris was crashing for a few days. “I was plenty nice to you back at the party. I don’t go around just kissing any guy Jenny Boy.”
“You don’t kiss guys, period,” Jensen replied, smiling.
“Exactly,” Chris stated, as if Jensen had proved his point for him,
“About that,” Jensen started as they headed into the apartment, Chris heading for the fridge as Jensen threw himself down on the sofa. “If Jay and I keep in touch, he is going to find out that the whole kiss and holding hands thing was a show.”
“I know,” Chris said walking back towards Jensen with two bottles of beer in his hand.
“So what was all that about at the party?” Jensen asked, confused, as he took the offered beer from Chris.
“I just thought the kid deserved a little taste of his own medicine,” Chris replied with a shrug settling down on the sofa next to Jensen.
“I told you,” Jensen said with a smile. “He wasn’t bothered, we’re friends Chris, or we will be again, hopefully. Anything other than that was dead a long time ago.”
Chris looked over at his friend, but this time his smile held a touch of sadness.
“Whatever you want to tell yourself, Jen,” Chris said with a sad shake of his head.
~~8~~
Jared looked around the party, bored and restless. He really had to stop letting Misha talk him into things, although Jared had learned that “no”, wasn’t a word Misha accepted very often.
“You know, the look on your face, anyone would think you were at the dentist, Jay, not a party,” a soft voice spoke from just behind Jared’s shoulder.
Jared tried to ignore the way that his heart leapt, at the sound of that voice.
“Hey, Jen,” Jared replied as casually as he could, smiling as Jensen took the seat next to him.
“So what’s up?” Jensen asked looking around. “Not your crowd?”
“Not my scene anymore,” Jared replied. He frowned slightly as Jensen raised his eyebrows in disbelief at his words.
“What?” Jared asked, stung. “You don’t believe me?”
“It’s not that,” Jensen replied softly, taking the sting out of his previous actions. “It’s just that you were always a big party guy,” he finished with a slight shrug.
“Yeah, maybe,” Jared conceded. “But it’s been a while Jen, people change. I’ve changed.”
Jared’s skin prickled with electricity as he felt Jensen’s eyes on him, He turned to meet Jensen’s gaze and was surprised to see a pleased gleam in Jensen’s eyes.
“Yeah, I guess they do,” Jensen replied with a warm smile. “Sorry about being too quick to judge, it has been a while”
Jared’s anger disappeared at Jensen’s words, and he smiled back. It shook him, that even knowing there was nothing between them anymore, that Jensen had the ability to affect him this much.
“It’s okay,” he said. “So you here with Chris?” Jared asked, quite proud of the fact that he had gotten the question out without a single stutter.
Jensen seemed to take a while to consider his answer, and Jared looked over at him questioningly.
“Yeah,” Jensen finally replied. “I came with Steve, Chris, and Chris’s girlfriend, Amanda.”
Jared’s eyes widened and his mind raced as he took in Jensen’s words.
“Chris’s girlfriend?” he questioned. Wondering if he had heard correctly or if his brain had finally broken, and was just supplying him with the words that he wanted to hear,
Jensen turned to Jared and smiled: that soft slow sweet smile that had caused Jared to fall in love with him, all those years ago.
“Yes, his girlfriend.” Jensen answered.
“But then what…… the party… why…..he kissed you,” Jared finally spat out, embarrassed by the note of accusation in his voice.
“Yeah,” Jensen replied, as he rubbed the back of his neck absentmindedly. “About that.”
Jared stared at Jensen, his own eyebrows rose now, waiting to see how Jensen would talk his way out of this one.
When Jensen finally spoke, his words came out rushed and hurried.
“He was messing with you.” Jensen stated. “He thought it would make you jealous. I told him he was being ridiculous, that we were long past that, but he…”
“It did,” Jared broke in, surprising both himself and Jensen. “Make me. Jealous I mean.”
Jared started to fidget as Jensen stared at him, an inscrutable look on his face. Sometimes he wished his mouth knew when to just shut up.
“Huh,” Jensen finally replied. “I didn’t think, what I mean is….. I didn’t think you felt that way. Any more.”
Jared looked at Jensen as a flush of embarrassment crept up his neck. This was nothing like it used to be. This was awkward, and fumbling, and embarrassing verging on the ridiculous. It was also freaking wonderful.
Jensen still cared, he was more sure of that now than he had been about anything in his whole life. Jensen cared, and he wasn’t with Chris, and Jared was no longer and idiot and this, this might just be something they could save after all.
“So that whole getting to know each other thing again,” Jared started, smiling as Jensen’s eyes flew to his, bolstered by the beginnings of hope he saw there. “You wanna try that maybe, like now?”
Jensen smile grew wider, the renewed sparkle in his eyes making the green tones ridiculously bright. “Sounds good to me,” Jensen said.
Jared grinned in reply, the happy feeling in his chest growing, heating him up from the inside out as he and Jen fell into a long conversation. They started filling in the blanks that three years apart had caused. Discussing new friends, new stories, sharing old jokes and old reminisces.
Jared knew this wasn’t going to be easy; there was a lot of anger, mistrust, and missteps to be dealt with. But it would be worth it.
Love always was.
~~8~~