mrstotten: Outlander: walking in the woods. (Outlander)
2016-11-19 01:18 am
Entry tags:

LJ Idol Season 10, Week 1 , I need the struggle to feel alive

The weeks preceding her passing were filled with jokes and laughter.  You would be surprised at how much joy can be in the home of someone who is dying.  When life has a limit, people try to fill each day with happiness as if to fend off the impending event.

When it happens, it isn’t with a whimper or a bang.  It’s not what you expected.  You expected her to struggle, you expected her to fight, you were braced for the pain, but it never comes.  There is a full house, words of love, then she closes her eyes, her breathing slows, then stops and she’s gone.  She is still warm, not regular warm, but burning hot.  It is her bodies last ditch attempt to fight off the cancer ravaging her from the inside out.  You’re curled up next to her, holding her hand and the tiny hopeful part of your brain keeps telling you that someone that warm, can’t be gone.  The rest of you is shutting down, little by little, step by step.  Your little cousin is curled up at your back.  You can feel her shaking, her tears seeping into your top.  The old you would have ignored everything else, turned round and given her a hug, offered comfort.  You want to but you’re frozen, the old you disappeared a few minutes ago, she left with the last breath your mother breathed out and you have been replaced with someone who sees the world differently.  The old you never knew the world could feel this cold.

The next few days are filled with activity, the house is full of people, full of food, people telling stories, people laughing, people crying.  There is no time to think, to stop, to feel.  You are in full flurry, the eldest child, you are the organiser, there are things to prepare, activities to attend to.  The day of the funeral is lost to you, even now.  You remember flashes, her favourite colour of red, streaked mascara, silent sobs and loud cries.  But the flashes are all that is left.  It is the last day that is all about her, her life, her story, the last day where she belongs still to this world, to you.

Then the sun sets and life goes on.

Except it doesn’t.  You wait for the numbness to thaw, sure that it will be coming.  The activity is gone, house packed up.  There are less people now, you weren’t the only one who lost someone.  Your gran lost a child (unthinkable), her siblings lost a sister (unbearable), she was something to a multitude of people, a friend, an aunt, an ally, a foe.  Others miss her but they do so alone.  They retreat to their own tiny bubble of grief, their own turning worlds.  You tell yourself off, a lot, you remind yourself how lucky you are.  You have a life to live.  A child who is your world, a husband you love, a job you enjoy.  Your life is filled with love and laughter, you have something, no you have everything to live for.

But it doesn’t stop the cold.

You had read about depression before, you understood it, felt sorry for people who were gripped by it, but it had never touched you, you had always been the eternal optimist.    Depression was something others struggled with, a bane for those unluckier than yourself.  It wasn’t meant to touch you.


Knowing what depression was, didn’t prepare you for how it would feel.  You never realised how silent and deadly it could be.  How well it can be hidden.  To the rest of the world you are fine, coping so well, jumping back in.  You smile, you hug, you laugh, you live.  It’s not dark or black like you expected, it’s just cold.  There are days that you wonder if you will ever feel warm again.  There are worse days when you don’t even want to.

Little things help, a family holiday, warm sand, children laughing, your husbands smile.  They provide temporary warmth, for a second, but they never grip.  It is during an argument that the first icicle breaks.  Heated anger and ugly words reminding you that you can feel.  It’s not happy, but it’s something.  The struggle to find the right school for your son, the ugly frustration making you feel helpless and silently furious.  It’s not happy but it’s something.

Once the thawing starts the ice starts to chip away and the thaw begins in earnest, puddles of tears at your feet.

You cry, a lot.

For the first time the magnitude of what has happened hits you.  You are too young,  too afraid, too small for the centre of your world to be gone.  The one constant that has been part of your life, all of your life is gone and you are left reeling, lost in the grief you feel.

This too passes, like waves crashing on the shore, coming less and less frequently as the tide ebbs.

It’s been two years now, the coldness has been gone for a long time, but the grief still hits at the strangest of times.  When you struggle, you still look for her, still yearn for that helping hand, but it doesn’t overtake you anymore, doesn’t make you break.

You have a child, a husband, family and friends, you have a life to live.  That’s how she wanted it.

So you struggle on, you smile, you laugh and you cry.  You remind yourself of the lessons she tought you.  The important things in life are never easy.  To struggle, is to live.

So for her, for them and for yourself that’s exactly what you do.


This has been my entry for Week 1 of therealljidol
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (mrstotten)
2011-10-29 11:54 am
Entry tags:

LJ Idol - Topic 2

Three Little Words



It wasn't you

We tried honest

Please don't cry


I hear him saying the words, telling me that none of this is my fault, our fault. It wasn't anything we did, or didn't do. I hear him tell us that he and my mum just stopped loving each other.
I know that's a lie for a start. If she didn't still love him then why is she locked in her room, her tears, loud and painful to hear, like an animal wounded and forgotten. My brother sits next to me, his silence matching mine, until the moment it doesn't and his shoulders start to shake and small muffled sounds start to come from his throat.

I can feel his shame as he tries to hold back the tears. He is fifteen, too old to cry, he is a man, not a boy any more, and he is way too proud to beg the man he idolises to stay, so instead he sits by me, his shoulders flush into mine, pressing hard into me as if hoping I won't dissappear along with the family he loves. I clasp his fingers, wrap them in mine, gripping tight, willing him to understand that I am not leaving, that he will always have me.

I see the guilt in my fathers eyes, the shame. I know that there is more to this story, to his words. There are secrets hiding just beneath the surface, waiting to explode out and wound us all over again, but I also know I won't hear it tonight. The secrets will flood out over the next few weeks, first like a trickle, soft whispers, almost too quiet to be heard, growing and building into into a roaring river of words, unstoppable, unchangeable carried along the tide of delighted whispers of malicous gossip with eyes bright and watchful, peering closely to see if any of their words hit their mark.

She is pregnant
Should be ashamed
Don't cry dear


Their words are like bullets, each one intended to maim, to draw blood, but we don't let them. We hold our heads high and any tears that are shed are done behind closed doors. We don't even cry in front of each other now. The words keep coming but the three of us band together, we form a unit tighter that I thought we could be. My mum on her good days smiles again, her eyes shining and we see a glimpse of the woman we knew before. On her bad days I make dinner while my brother tells her stories about boys from work. We each pretend not to notice her silence and we fill the void with our words.

I have a boyfriend, my brother knows, but she doesn't, not yet. Part of me thinks I don't tell her because I don't want to rub her face in my happieness, but deep down I know it's because I want to keep something for me, something outside of the broken family my dad left behind. I like having somewhere I can go where laughter doesn't sound strange, doesn't echo off the walls.

My dad still comes to visit, growing more and more distant each time. Christmas Day was the worst, less than seven weeks after he left and they decided we should all be together, one last family Christmas. We sit together, no words spoken, I play with the jagged cracks on the table, pretending not to noice how they match my fractured family. No-one reads the jokes, and my mums hat remains folded by her plate, John's hat is torn and mine has slipped from my head. Dad never pulled a cracker.

My birthday comes and my best friend confirms the news, he has a new family, the baby will be born in June. My dad has always only had one son, one daughter. That won't be the case any more. I close my eyes and pray it's not a girl, enough has already changed and I want to remain special. Then I feel ashamed and cancel my date to curl up with my brother and watch a film, settling my head on his shoulder. My little brother is taller than me now, fiercly protective; he deserves to be special too.

The summer comes and I pretend to ignore the date arriving. Robert is part of the family now, my mother welcoming my boyfriend into the fold with loving arms. There are four of us again and in a way it seems to make her happier. When he stays for dinner, she is lighter on her feet, her eyes never have to stray to the empty seat when it is filled.

I am at a birthday party when the news arrives, the interloper is born on the same day as Robert's little sisters second birthday. I hear the words and know the darkness will creep in again, that mum will break again, that the fractures just cracked open again.

Your dad called
Can you come?
It's a boy
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (mrstotten)
2011-10-29 11:54 am
Entry tags:

LJ Idol - Topic 2

Three Little Words



It wasn't you

We tried honest

Please don't cry


I hear him saying the words, telling me that none of this is my fault, our fault. It wasn't anything we did, or didn't do. I hear him tell us that he and my mum just stopped loving each other.
I know that's a lie for a start. If she didn't still love him then why is she locked in her room, her tears, loud and painful to hear, like an animal wounded and forgotten. My brother sits next to me, his silence matching mine, until the moment it doesn't and his shoulders start to shake and small muffled sounds start to come from his throat.

I can feel his shame as he tries to hold back the tears. He is fifteen, too old to cry, he is a man, not a boy any more, and he is way too proud to beg the man he idolises to stay, so instead he sits by me, his shoulders flush into mine, pressing hard into me as if hoping I won't dissappear along with the family he loves. I clasp his fingers, wrap them in mine, gripping tight, willing him to understand that I am not leaving, that he will always have me.

I see the guilt in my fathers eyes, the shame. I know that there is more to this story, to his words. There are secrets hiding just beneath the surface, waiting to explode out and wound us all over again, but I also know I won't hear it tonight. The secrets will flood out over the next few weeks, first like a trickle, soft whispers, almost too quiet to be heard, growing and building into into a roaring river of words, unstoppable, unchangeable carried along the tide of delighted whispers of malicous gossip with eyes bright and watchful, peering closely to see if any of their words hit their mark.

She is pregnant
Should be ashamed
Don't cry dear


Their words are like bullets, each one intended to maim, to draw blood, but we don't let them. We hold our heads high and any tears that are shed are done behind closed doors. We don't even cry in front of each other now. The words keep coming but the three of us band together, we form a unit tighter that I thought we could be. My mum on her good days smiles again, her eyes shining and we see a glimpse of the woman we knew before. On her bad days I make dinner while my brother tells her stories about boys from work. We each pretend not to notice her silence and we fill the void with our words.

I have a boyfriend, my brother knows, but she doesn't, not yet. Part of me thinks I don't tell her because I don't want to rub her face in my happieness, but deep down I know it's because I want to keep something for me, something outside of the broken family my dad left behind. I like having somewhere I can go where laughter doesn't sound strange, doesn't echo off the walls.

My dad still comes to visit, growing more and more distant each time. Christmas Day was the worst, less than seven weeks after he left and they decided we should all be together, one last family Christmas. We sit together, no words spoken, I play with the jagged cracks on the table, pretending not to noice how they match my fractured family. No-one reads the jokes, and my mums hat remains folded by her plate, John's hat is torn and mine has slipped from my head. Dad never pulled a cracker.

My birthday comes and my best friend confirms the news, he has a new family, the baby will be born in June. My dad has always only had one son, one daughter. That won't be the case any more. I close my eyes and pray it's not a girl, enough has already changed and I want to remain special. Then I feel ashamed and cancel my date to curl up with my brother and watch a film, settling my head on his shoulder. My little brother is taller than me now, fiercly protective; he deserves to be special too.

The summer comes and I pretend to ignore the date arriving. Robert is part of the family now, my mother welcoming my boyfriend into the fold with loving arms. There are four of us again and in a way it seems to make her happier. When he stays for dinner, she is lighter on her feet, her eyes never have to stray to the empty seat when it is filled.

I am at a birthday party when the news arrives, the interloper is born on the same day as Robert's little sisters second birthday. I hear the words and know the darkness will creep in again, that mum will break again, that the fractures just cracked open again.

Your dad called
Can you come?
It's a boy
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Whedon → pretty fred)
2011-10-19 09:33 pm

LJ Idol - Topic 1

When you pray, move your feet.

I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan 'cause I want to hear both sides
Does that make me cynical?
There are no miracles
And this is no miraculous life

We walk into the tide


I am a religous person, well I am in so much that I believe in God (I think the bible is a load of old tosh but that is a discussion for another day). What I don't believe though is that God is the answer to all our prayers, or the source of all our problems.

I have had many events in my life that would have me questioning whether God exists. I suffered several miscarriages and many years of childlessness before being blessed with my son. I have watched people I love suffer with cancer, I've also lost people I love to it. I live in a world where children are hurt, natural disasters claim the lives of thousands, millions and at times like these it is easy to ask - "If there is a God why would he let this happen"

But by the turn of the other hand I have also bore witness to miracles. I watched my mother recover from cancer when we were told to expect the worst. I watched my son survive being born at 24 weeks with less than a 5% chance of survival and seen him defy every prediction to become the bright bubbly boy I love. I have seen the kindness of strangers in times of need - when you open a christmas gift box lovingly prepared and gift wrapped by the local church in a sterile hospital for a child you are told would never see that day it is easy to believe in miracles and the presence of a divine power.

But as comforting as it is to blame or thank a divine power for these things, the hard truth is human beings are at the heart of everything. People who do evil deeds, do so of their own violition and their own free choice. We pollute our planet on a daily basis and then we wonder why it roars back. My miracle son is as much a miracle of modern science and brilliant doctors than an unseen deity. It was a flesh and blood person who handwrapped that Christmas gift for my baby all those years ago, someone with a good heart and a kind soul giving up his or her time to put a smile on someone elses face and allowing them to believe in miracles and although there were times I may have prayed for a miracle when my son was in hospital, it was the love and support of my friends and family that got me through each day with my heart unbroken and sanity intact.

It took me a long time to learn that although God and faith can be strong companions, it is my own drive, my will, my strength, my love for my family and friends and their love for me that drives me forward.

To me religon is no longer about sermons, and brick walls or about good and evil, heaven and hell. I believe in God when I see the sun breaking through a cloud on a bright day, when I feel the crisp crunch of autumn leaves underneath my feet, when I see my child smile a smile full of mischief and enjoyment, full of a joy of life that only children truly appreciate.

But although all of these things help me believe in him, I no longer put my faith solely in him, I trust my own heart, rely on my family and depend on my friends. It is me that keeps my world turning day by day

My faith may keep me going, but it is my own two feet, moving one step after the other that pushes me forward.

This has been my entry for week one of [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (BH → play pretend)
2011-10-16 10:51 am
Entry tags:

yes I am insane

Also, not just three posts in one day *shock* apparently I am insane, as I am now signing up for my third go at [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol yay or (WTF am I doing :) )

Hopefully this year, life will not get in the way and try to kill me again.
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Default)
2010-12-11 12:15 am
Entry tags:

LJ Idol Week 6 - Not of this world

I have a whole load of advents to come, trust me they are coming :) In the meantime, have this. My entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 6 - Not of this world. for anyone who commented on my last entry, I will be replying to comments this weekend. Being stranded up north and then in my mothers has taken it's toll the last two weeks, but I do appreciate every single comment and kind word.


Pay no attention to the circle on that photograph )

This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol commwnts are loved and if you would like to vote for me please click HERE
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Default)
2010-12-11 12:15 am
Entry tags:

LJ Idol Week 6 - Not of this world

I have a whole load of advents to come, trust me they are coming :) In the meantime, have this. My entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 6 - Not of this world. for anyone who commented on my last entry, I will be replying to comments this weekend. Being stranded up north and then in my mothers has taken it's toll the last two weeks, but I do appreciate every single comment and kind word.


Pay no attention to the circle on that photograph )

This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol commwnts are loved and if you would like to vote for me please click HERE
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Two sides of the same coin)
2010-11-20 04:25 pm

LJ Idol Week 3 - It's a Trap

Ok so I spent most of this week completely bewildered with this one and had no idea what to write, then an article I read made me think about some things and this is where my brain led me.

Trigger warning, deals with depression.


Story under the cut )

This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 3, comments as always are appreciated :) If you would like to vote for me please click HERE (Although this week you do have to join the comm to vote, but you should do that anyway because it is fun :) )
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Two sides of the same coin)
2010-11-20 04:25 pm

LJ Idol Week 3 - It's a Trap

Ok so I spent most of this week completely bewildered with this one and had no idea what to write, then an article I read made me think about some things and this is where my brain led me.

Trigger warning, deals with depression.


Story under the cut )

This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 3, comments as always are appreciated :) If you would like to vote for me please click HERE (Although this week you do have to join the comm to vote, but you should do that anyway because it is fun :) )
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (robertlol)
2010-11-03 11:53 pm

lj idol week 1 - Here there be Dragons

Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed. - GK Chesterton

Story under the cut )

This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 1, if you would like to vote for me, please click HERE :D
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (robertlol)
2010-11-03 11:53 pm

lj idol week 1 - Here there be Dragons

Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed. - GK Chesterton

Story under the cut )

This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 1, if you would like to vote for me, please click HERE :D
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (mod icon)
2010-10-31 05:25 am
Entry tags:

Lj Idol - Week 0

Here I am, this is me............. )
If you like my entry please feel free to vote for me HERE
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (mod icon)
2010-10-31 05:25 am
Entry tags:

Lj Idol - Week 0

Here I am, this is me............. )
If you like my entry please feel free to vote for me HERE
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Default)
2010-02-09 11:19 am

LJ IDOL AND BIRTHDAY THANKS

Thanks to every single person who totally made my day yesterday with Birthday Greetings, pressies, messages and love. Actual thank you post with links will be up later today because there are goodies to share and I'd like to thank everyone individually.

My entry for this weeks [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol is up HERE  and if you would like to vote for me, the link for voting is HERE  (I'm under [livejournal.com profile] magsscribbles my Super Sekrit identity, can you tell I flunked secret ninja training) but in all seriousness I am loving every minute of this competition and would like to stay in it for as long as possible, so a vote would be most appreciated.

My fate this week is tied with the lovely [livejournal.com profile] rattsu and a link to her story is at the end of mine.

Again thanks for being so awesome guys, you made my day yesterday, please look out for official thanks later because there are treats to be shared, including pics of hot men.

Ahha now that got your attention didn't it?
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Default)
2010-02-09 11:19 am

LJ IDOL AND BIRTHDAY THANKS

Thanks to every single person who totally made my day yesterday with Birthday Greetings, pressies, messages and love. Actual thank you post with links will be up later today because there are goodies to share and I'd like to thank everyone individually.

My entry for this weeks [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol is up HERE  and if you would like to vote for me, the link for voting is HERE  (I'm under [livejournal.com profile] magsscribbles my Super Sekrit identity, can you tell I flunked secret ninja training) but in all seriousness I am loving every minute of this competition and would like to stay in it for as long as possible, so a vote would be most appreciated.

My fate this week is tied with the lovely [livejournal.com profile] rattsu and a link to her story is at the end of mine.

Again thanks for being so awesome guys, you made my day yesterday, please look out for official thanks later because there are treats to be shared, including pics of hot men.

Ahha now that got your attention didn't it?
mrstotten: Avengers: Tony and Steve, "Keep staring, pretty boy. I might do a trick." (Default)
2010-02-02 12:05 am

Dinner table conversations

Ok so at dinner tonight, my darling son decided to start a who is the boss of who competition.


Wee Robert : Daddy, you are the boss of me.
Hubby Robert : Am I son?
Wee Robert : Yes, you are the boss of me, Kimmi is the boss of Kieran, Kieran is the boss of Missy (family dog) and I am the boss of mummy.
Me : Huh?? no baby I'm the boss of you.
Wee Robert : Don't be silly mummy, I beat you at bowling.
Me : That doesn't make you mummy's boss sweetheart.
Wee Robert : Yes it does
*looks over to hubby for back up and realise it is a lost cost as he is laughing into his mince and tatties*
Me : Ok so if you are the boss of mummy, then who is mummy the boss of?
Wee Robert : You can be the boss of Jesus.

So apparently in my house it goes :- Hubby, Son, kimmi, Kieran, me, then Jesus.

Always good to know.

In other news we are running a fun writing workshop over at [livejournal.com profile] spnwriterlounge you should come around, it looks like it is going to be fun.

Also as some of you already know (as I've been bugging your brains about it endlessly) for the last 14 weeks I've been taking part in [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol under my writing journal [livejournal.com profile] magsscribbles . The competition is getting fierce, and I am happy that I have made it so far, and now that I am not scared senseless I'd love to share it with anyone who is interested. I'm always up for new readers, and new voters :P

All of my previous entires can be found here
HERE

This weeks entry can be found HERE, this week we were writing with partners, and mines was the wonderfully taented [livejournal.com profile] beautyofgrey you can read her entry HERE