mrstotten
29 October 2011 @ 11:54 am
LJ Idol - Topic 2  
Three Little Words



It wasn't you

We tried honest

Please don't cry


I hear him saying the words, telling me that none of this is my fault, our fault. It wasn't anything we did, or didn't do. I hear him tell us that he and my mum just stopped loving each other.
I know that's a lie for a start. If she didn't still love him then why is she locked in her room, her tears, loud and painful to hear, like an animal wounded and forgotten. My brother sits next to me, his silence matching mine, until the moment it doesn't and his shoulders start to shake and small muffled sounds start to come from his throat.

I can feel his shame as he tries to hold back the tears. He is fifteen, too old to cry, he is a man, not a boy any more, and he is way too proud to beg the man he idolises to stay, so instead he sits by me, his shoulders flush into mine, pressing hard into me as if hoping I won't dissappear along with the family he loves. I clasp his fingers, wrap them in mine, gripping tight, willing him to understand that I am not leaving, that he will always have me.

I see the guilt in my fathers eyes, the shame. I know that there is more to this story, to his words. There are secrets hiding just beneath the surface, waiting to explode out and wound us all over again, but I also know I won't hear it tonight. The secrets will flood out over the next few weeks, first like a trickle, soft whispers, almost too quiet to be heard, growing and building into into a roaring river of words, unstoppable, unchangeable carried along the tide of delighted whispers of malicous gossip with eyes bright and watchful, peering closely to see if any of their words hit their mark.

She is pregnant
Should be ashamed
Don't cry dear


Their words are like bullets, each one intended to maim, to draw blood, but we don't let them. We hold our heads high and any tears that are shed are done behind closed doors. We don't even cry in front of each other now. The words keep coming but the three of us band together, we form a unit tighter that I thought we could be. My mum on her good days smiles again, her eyes shining and we see a glimpse of the woman we knew before. On her bad days I make dinner while my brother tells her stories about boys from work. We each pretend not to notice her silence and we fill the void with our words.

I have a boyfriend, my brother knows, but she doesn't, not yet. Part of me thinks I don't tell her because I don't want to rub her face in my happieness, but deep down I know it's because I want to keep something for me, something outside of the broken family my dad left behind. I like having somewhere I can go where laughter doesn't sound strange, doesn't echo off the walls.

My dad still comes to visit, growing more and more distant each time. Christmas Day was the worst, less than seven weeks after he left and they decided we should all be together, one last family Christmas. We sit together, no words spoken, I play with the jagged cracks on the table, pretending not to noice how they match my fractured family. No-one reads the jokes, and my mums hat remains folded by her plate, John's hat is torn and mine has slipped from my head. Dad never pulled a cracker.

My birthday comes and my best friend confirms the news, he has a new family, the baby will be born in June. My dad has always only had one son, one daughter. That won't be the case any more. I close my eyes and pray it's not a girl, enough has already changed and I want to remain special. Then I feel ashamed and cancel my date to curl up with my brother and watch a film, settling my head on his shoulder. My little brother is taller than me now, fiercly protective; he deserves to be special too.

The summer comes and I pretend to ignore the date arriving. Robert is part of the family now, my mother welcoming my boyfriend into the fold with loving arms. There are four of us again and in a way it seems to make her happier. When he stays for dinner, she is lighter on her feet, her eyes never have to stray to the empty seat when it is filled.

I am at a birthday party when the news arrives, the interloper is born on the same day as Robert's little sisters second birthday. I hear the words and know the darkness will creep in again, that mum will break again, that the fractures just cracked open again.

Your dad called
Can you come?
It's a boy
 
 
mrstotten
29 October 2011 @ 11:54 am
LJ Idol - Topic 2  
Three Little Words



It wasn't you

We tried honest

Please don't cry


I hear him saying the words, telling me that none of this is my fault, our fault. It wasn't anything we did, or didn't do. I hear him tell us that he and my mum just stopped loving each other.
I know that's a lie for a start. If she didn't still love him then why is she locked in her room, her tears, loud and painful to hear, like an animal wounded and forgotten. My brother sits next to me, his silence matching mine, until the moment it doesn't and his shoulders start to shake and small muffled sounds start to come from his throat.

I can feel his shame as he tries to hold back the tears. He is fifteen, too old to cry, he is a man, not a boy any more, and he is way too proud to beg the man he idolises to stay, so instead he sits by me, his shoulders flush into mine, pressing hard into me as if hoping I won't dissappear along with the family he loves. I clasp his fingers, wrap them in mine, gripping tight, willing him to understand that I am not leaving, that he will always have me.

I see the guilt in my fathers eyes, the shame. I know that there is more to this story, to his words. There are secrets hiding just beneath the surface, waiting to explode out and wound us all over again, but I also know I won't hear it tonight. The secrets will flood out over the next few weeks, first like a trickle, soft whispers, almost too quiet to be heard, growing and building into into a roaring river of words, unstoppable, unchangeable carried along the tide of delighted whispers of malicous gossip with eyes bright and watchful, peering closely to see if any of their words hit their mark.

She is pregnant
Should be ashamed
Don't cry dear


Their words are like bullets, each one intended to maim, to draw blood, but we don't let them. We hold our heads high and any tears that are shed are done behind closed doors. We don't even cry in front of each other now. The words keep coming but the three of us band together, we form a unit tighter that I thought we could be. My mum on her good days smiles again, her eyes shining and we see a glimpse of the woman we knew before. On her bad days I make dinner while my brother tells her stories about boys from work. We each pretend not to notice her silence and we fill the void with our words.

I have a boyfriend, my brother knows, but she doesn't, not yet. Part of me thinks I don't tell her because I don't want to rub her face in my happieness, but deep down I know it's because I want to keep something for me, something outside of the broken family my dad left behind. I like having somewhere I can go where laughter doesn't sound strange, doesn't echo off the walls.

My dad still comes to visit, growing more and more distant each time. Christmas Day was the worst, less than seven weeks after he left and they decided we should all be together, one last family Christmas. We sit together, no words spoken, I play with the jagged cracks on the table, pretending not to noice how they match my fractured family. No-one reads the jokes, and my mums hat remains folded by her plate, John's hat is torn and mine has slipped from my head. Dad never pulled a cracker.

My birthday comes and my best friend confirms the news, he has a new family, the baby will be born in June. My dad has always only had one son, one daughter. That won't be the case any more. I close my eyes and pray it's not a girl, enough has already changed and I want to remain special. Then I feel ashamed and cancel my date to curl up with my brother and watch a film, settling my head on his shoulder. My little brother is taller than me now, fiercly protective; he deserves to be special too.

The summer comes and I pretend to ignore the date arriving. Robert is part of the family now, my mother welcoming my boyfriend into the fold with loving arms. There are four of us again and in a way it seems to make her happier. When he stays for dinner, she is lighter on her feet, her eyes never have to stray to the empty seat when it is filled.

I am at a birthday party when the news arrives, the interloper is born on the same day as Robert's little sisters second birthday. I hear the words and know the darkness will creep in again, that mum will break again, that the fractures just cracked open again.

Your dad called
Can you come?
It's a boy
 
 
mrstotten
12 June 2010 @ 09:13 pm
Paris Baby!!!!  
Back from Paris and it was awesome but I am now shattered and overdue on yet another assignment I have about 300 lj entries to read up on to catch up and Big Bang has started meep (already has an overgrown list of things to read) but on the plus points, my son reacted to meeting Mickey Mouse in much the same way I would to meeting Jensen Ackles (well without the restraining order being filed) but he was very star struck and so so happy, which made me forgive him for his earlier events on the aeroplane where my over-active four year old thought the best way to break the ice on an aeroplane was to shout "we're all gonna die, drive faster pilot the plane is falling" at the top of his lungs *heads desk* and I came back to emails from the Zombie girls with some awesome slash film recs and my edition of the Demons Covenant which I forgot to take with me *pout* and the glee finale yayayayay.

The four days in Disneyland Paris were wonderful if way too busy and Paris city was gorgeous and everything I expected (Although seriously Emily answer me this, do the French have bladders cos I walked around with a four year old saying "But mummy I really, really need a wee, can't I just use a bush" for a whole hour before finding one.)

For anyone who is interested a full travel report with pictures will be forthcoming but for the highlights I made a video (Yes I really am that sad) :)

Off to read copious amounts of fic study


 
 
mrstotten
12 June 2010 @ 09:13 pm
Paris Baby!!!!  
Back from Paris and it was awesome but I am now shattered and overdue on yet another assignment I have about 300 lj entries to read up on to catch up and Big Bang has started meep (already has an overgrown list of things to read) but on the plus points, my son reacted to meeting Mickey Mouse in much the same way I would to meeting Jensen Ackles (well without the restraining order being filed) but he was very star struck and so so happy, which made me forgive him for his earlier events on the aeroplane where my over-active four year old thought the best way to break the ice on an aeroplane was to shout "we're all gonna die, drive faster pilot the plane is falling" at the top of his lungs *heads desk* and I came back to emails from the Zombie girls with some awesome slash film recs and my edition of the Demons Covenant which I forgot to take with me *pout* and the glee finale yayayayay.

The four days in Disneyland Paris were wonderful if way too busy and Paris city was gorgeous and everything I expected (Although seriously Emily answer me this, do the French have bladders cos I walked around with a four year old saying "But mummy I really, really need a wee, can't I just use a bush" for a whole hour before finding one.)

For anyone who is interested a full travel report with pictures will be forthcoming but for the highlights I made a video (Yes I really am that sad) :)

Off to read copious amounts of fic study


 
 
mrstotten
11 November 2009 @ 07:50 pm
Love Love Love  
Stole this from [livejournal.com profile] autumn_lilacs who is made of awesome (Don't believe me? see the tag)

Comment here and I will tell you why I like/love you.

Even if we don't talk much, heck even if we have NEVER spoken, I want EVERYONE to participate. If you want to share the love and do the same at your journal, go ahead. You're under no obligation to carry it on if you comment here.

Go on everyone needs more love in their life.
 
 
Current Mood: loved
 
 
mrstotten
11 November 2009 @ 07:50 pm
Love Love Love  
Stole this from [livejournal.com profile] autumn_lilacs who is made of awesome (Don't believe me? see the tag)

Comment here and I will tell you why I like/love you.

Even if we don't talk much, heck even if we have NEVER spoken, I want EVERYONE to participate. If you want to share the love and do the same at your journal, go ahead. You're under no obligation to carry it on if you comment here.

Go on everyone needs more love in their life.
 
 
Current Mood: loved
 
 
mrstotten
14 February 2009 @ 09:40 pm
 

Happy Valenitines day all.

I spent mineas follos.

Woke up to a box of chocs and a beautiful card from Hubby on the pillow next to me, he is on dayshift this weekend :(

ent downstairs and tidied, received 2 lovelty gifts from the wonderful [livejournal.com profile] autumn_lilacs  andthe lovely [livejournal.com profile] darksilvercat  thanks so much guys.  Read and reviewed some fic, then took my trust bottle of water (stupid kidneys) and went to the pics with my hubby to see Friday 13th Yay!!!!


Blood, gore, friends, hubby, chocs, fic and Mr Padaleki.  Valentines day dont get better than this.

Mags
 
 
Current Music: still miley - quit judging me amy :P
Current Location: home
Current Mood: loved
 
 
mrstotten
09 February 2009 @ 07:10 pm
whee whizz and polar bears  

10 things that show you have a 3yr old.

 

1)      It is not an unusual occurrence to find CD/DVD’s posted in your video recorder

2)      You know every word to the theme tunes of Little Einstein/Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

3)      You don’t think Claude is a strange name for a polar bear

4)      The W button on your laptop doesn’t work because there is melted chocolate beneath it

5)      You bore everyone within a 12 mile radius with the cute story of how he came in and gave you a CBD for your birthday (It was a Duffy CD)

6)      Your once packed social calendar now consists of dr’s appointments, nursery meeting and smarty parties

7)      The majority of the films you watch have singing crabs/dragons/teapots in them

8)      There is someone in the house with a wardrobe twice the size of yours and you consider hairdressing appointments/facials/new clothes treats for your birthday

9)      You now drink fizzy drinks out of your good wine glasses cos hey they might as well get used.

10)   Your mind can be turned to mush, your will to putty and your brain to goo with the the words, but I loves <i>you</i> best mummy.

 
 
Current Mood: chipper
Current Location: Home on Annual Leave yay
Current Music: Duffy
 
 
mrstotten
28 January 2009 @ 12:53 pm
Writer's Block: You Wouldn't Understand  
[Error: unknown template qotd]"it's a wee bit funny" Everytime I laugh at something and someone says to me it's not funny, this is usually my standard reply, which in turn makes me laugh harder :)

To explain.... my husbands little brother (who is 6 but was around 3 or 4 at the time of this story) was at his mums and we were sitting in the living room, when my mother in law said "Where is Kieran, he's really quiet" she went to investigate and shortly we heard an angry shout of "Kieran" upon rushing to investigate what he had done, we found my mother in law in her bathroom, surrounded by a bathroom full of bubbles and Kieran standing in the middle, covered from head to toe in bubble, he was also laughing which incensed my MIL further, she snapped at him that it was NOT funny, to which he replied, completely off the cuff, "Come on mummy, it's a wee bit funny" this has been a catchphrase of mine ever since.

Mags 
 
 
Current Music: none
Current Location: work
Current Mood: amused
 
 
mrstotten
25 January 2009 @ 08:51 pm
 
Have had a lovely Rabbie Burns day today.  Nice dinner and then sat down to share some of the bard with wee robert, he abandonded me 5 minutes in for Winnie the Pooh, but hey, what else can yoou expect from a 3 yr old :)

Just started watching Season 3 premiere the magnificent seven and noticed that Sam was reading Dr Faustus, since I've just finished an assignment on this I squeed :)  Sad I know

Also have had a lovely weekend, relaxing, reading, and watching new Supernatural which rocked !!!!

Also came up with a plot bunny idea for spn that wouldnt leave me alone so signed up for the big bang eeep and got my catagories that I am judging for the forbidden awards. Yay an excuse to gorge on good fic :) what more could a girl ask for!!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Music: SN Reruns
Current Mood: awake
 
 
mrstotten
24 December 2008 @ 11:36 pm
Time to be thankful  
Due to life being even more hectic than usual I missed autumn lilacs meme about things I'm thankful for so thought I'd just do a group post of the things i'm most thankful for. 

My Son, who reminds me everyday that miracles happen and pushes me to be the best person I can possibly be.
My Husband who reminds me that Happy Ever After starts after the fairytale ending and that you are only ever as strong as the person standing beside you
My Family - Who remind me of where I come from and where I want to go
My old friends - Who remind me to keep my feet forever on the ground but continue reaching for the stars
and finally
My new friends - Who remind me you're never too old to meet a new soul mate :)

Merry Christmas All.  Hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday


Mags
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Step into Christmas
Current Mood: content