20 November 2010 @ 04:25 pm
LJ Idol Week 3 - It's a Trap  
Ok so I spent most of this week completely bewildered with this one and had no idea what to write, then an article I read made me think about some things and this is where my brain led me.

Trigger warning, deals with depression.

They keep telling me that things will get better.

“It takes a while to adjust,” my Ma says. “All that piffle about first connections and love at first sight, It's a myth,” she scoffs. “A myth meant to make men feel sentimental and women feel bad”.

“It took me nearly a month,” she said. A month to feel that spark, that connection that told her she was going to love this person for the rest of her life.

It’s been nearly eight months for me and all I feel is disinterest and frustration. I’m trapped in a never ending cycle of guilt. I know I should be happy, everyone says I should be, so why am I so miserable? Why do I feel so alone?

I used to be happy once. Happy, bright and confident. But that was before, before this, before him. I had a job I loved, that I was good at. I had a social life, I went out every weekend. I spent time on myself, got my hair done in the best salons, I was never seen with a chipped nail or a flyaway hair but all that is gone now. All my time, my energy, my patience and my money is gone, frittered away on him.

I keep hoping that it will change, that my Ma is right and that this is just a phase. I wait each day willing myself to feel the rush of happiness, but by days end I just feel more useless and broken than the day before.

Not that I tell anyone not now, not even my Ma knows now.

When she asks how I’m doing I smile and say “Great, everything is wonderful, I’ve never been happier.” She smiles back at me as if I’m doing something right and replies with “See, I told you all it would take is some time.”

I’m wondering now how much time I have left, how much more I can take before I break completely. But no one would know it to look at me, not that many people do.

I spend each day doing the same things, pouring all my time and energy into making him happy. People smile at me and tell me how wonderful I am with him, how natural it all seems to me and I never say a thing about what I’m feeling, or rather what I’m not feeling .

After all what type of mother would ever admit to not loving their own son.


This has been my entry for [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Week 3, comments as always are appreciated :) If you would like to vote for me please click HERE (Although this week you do have to join the comm to vote, but you should do that anyway because it is fun :) )